Understanding

It's official. The line has been drawn. I'm not sure whether it is permanent or temporary, but there is clearly a line.

I finally talked to Paul. It's always refreshing to hear his voice. Reassuring actually. I enjoy those moments when we talk. Life is easier because the communication is open, honest, blunt, and has plenty of sarcasm. It's funny, out of everything we have done together, the communication is one of the things I miss the most right now. Anyways, we talked. It wasn't the result I was hoping to get, but it could have been far worse of an outcome. Basically, Paul needs space and a lot of it. He feels a lot of pressure from me and our situation. I get that. I don't like feeling like I put more pressure on him than work, his family, his friends, and his marriage. I thought I was a GOOD thing, not a problem to be pushed aside until he can work everything out. Unfortunately, now that doesn't matter. The situation is what it is. He said he still wants me and loves me but is being terribly unfair to his family and marriage. I get that. So the general consensus is that I have to wait until the dust settles and the sky clears. I can wait, but my fear of him changing his mind is now more of a reality. I'm worried we're heading down a dead end road in which I already know what happens: we run out of pavement. I don't want that, and I dread the day he looks me in the face and tells me that he can't divorce her. My heart will be crushed. So what do I do? Commit to another 45+ days of wondering and waiting? Do I move on? I'm beyond confused, and I'm sure my writing conveys that.

I asked him to clarify our situation. What are we? No real answer. Can we still talk? Can we still have phone calls? Can we text? Yes and no. It's hard being in love with someone and not be able to reach out to them when they need it most. I would give nearly ANYTHING to have him just hold me right now. To tell me I'm still amazing and beautiful. To just hug me and remind me of why I can wait this one out. He's in a tough and stressful spot, and it is a horrible feeling to watch him suffer in silence.

So after his decision, I've tried my hardest to not text or call him. It's impossible. I've texted him twice without receiving a response. No more phone calls. And work? ugh. I see him and I just want to hug him and break down. Instead, I act as if life is grand, slap a smile on my face, and carry out the daily motions so no one will notice. It's not natural for me. I want to tell him how much I love him. How much he means to me. How handsome he looks every day! I know none of it will matter. None of it will change the situation for now. So do I keep doing it? Or do I let go and be silent? It's an interesting feeling being at the top, at his side essentially, and within days, falling to a rank that (at this point) seems somewhere below a friend. It's weird. The no texting and no calls seems so silly... friends do that! Dinner out together? Friends do that too. Complimenting? Friends do that too. Long talks and hugs on bad days? My friends definitely do that. I guess the whole "marriage" title throws a wrench in there though. It complicates things. Having never been married, I guess it's not entirely fair of me to judge the topic.

For now, I have no choice but to continue waiting in silence. I hate that my needs come second now. It's so hard. I spend 95% of my day thinking about him, what he's doing, where he is, if he's happy, if work is going well for him, etc. But I worry that that feeling isn't reciprocated. The hardest part is staring at my phone, willing him to text me. To give me something. Then when a text comes through, I get really excited and then realize it's not from him. Fail. My goal for now is to be stronger in mind and body. To know that if this is meant to happen, it will happen. In the end, I tell myself, it will all be worth it. I hope I'm right.

"One must fulfill one's mission without timidity or dissimulation, for to be well done, the work must be done unselfishly." --S&H 483:30-32