Reminders

I apologize for being a complete delinquent about my blog! I kind of shocked myself when I saw that my last post was on November 7, 2011. Yikes! Over a month ago! Anyways, I'll make up for it with this post...

Let's go back to August 2011, roughly 4 months ago, in which I met a man. An incredible man. One who watched me day in and day out, as I suffered through monotonous tasks and the demands of my managers. His compassion was unbelievable, and before long, he swept me under his wing. His goal was to make me happy, to make me smile, and to teach me how to wiggle my way through the onslaught of office politics. I was blown away! Someone cares about ME? Normally I'm the one who jumps to the aid of others, but he definitely had me figured out. 12 years my senior, Paul was truly my blessing. He was that change we all need in order to keep going. He increased the fire inside me, and he made me fight for things (figuratively of course). Our friendship quickly became the strongest one I had. I trusted him implicitly. I could completely be myself without being judged. I could crack jokes with him, and he could keep up. He could make me laugh more than ANYONE I knew. My favorite moments came when I could make him laugh. He has a gorgeous smile, one that should be shared more often with the world. His laugh was deep and contagious. I could hear him laugh from across the room, and it would instantly bring a HUGE smile to my face. I loved making him laugh so hard that he would grab his stomach, squint his eyes, and crack up laughing. He was knight on the white horse. My breath of fresh air. The person with whom I could spend the rest of my life and be completely happy. Our similarities were refreshing, and our differences were intriguing. I was always blown away by his intelligence, comprehension, and desire to constantly learn more. It was as if God had given me the person I needed most, at the time when I needed him the most.

The only problem: he was married. Regardless of his marital state, our friendship began to blossom into something that went far beyond the reaches and bounds of friendship. We spent any time we could talking to each other, both in person and on the phone. Lots of evenings were spent at my place, just relaxing and enjoying the company of one another. On top of that, he is an amazing cook, and I loved watching him prepare meals that always tasted delicious. He taught me quite a few things, but I still yearn for more. Our relationship continued to grow, and I couldn't get enough of the time we spent together. As soon as he would leave, I would be contemplating the next time we could see each other. When we spent time together, it was as if nothing else mattered. Life was complete. I was with my better half. It was natural and easy, and it worked. We would spend countless hours talking about life, especially his failing marriage and his codependent wife. It was hard listening, especially knowing that when he left the safety of my home, he was returning to a deplorable situation in his own home. Now before I go any further, some of you reading this may call me a harlot, a slut, a homewrecker, a mistress, a whore, etc. Whatever. Your feelings are your feelings, and I am not writing this to debate them with you. I am simply stating the facts on how this all played out. Anyways, our friendship became a relationship, feelings and desires became a part of the everyday interaction between the two of us. I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. It was amazing, and I loved every minute of it. After one night together, Paul wrote a note to me explaining how thankful he was to know me and spend time with me. To this very moment, I still carry that note in my purse. It reminds me of how good life can be. We all deserve to be appreciated and loved. We all deserve the very best, and we shouldn't have to settle or compromise in order to get it. He would also write me cute notes and statements, as well as an occasional poem, on post it notes. I would gather them all up and bring them home. They all sit in a stack in my nightstand. A memento of the good and love that truly existed between us.

As time wore on, Paul's marriage became worse and worse. The pain on his face and the emotional roller coaster he was experiencing, were both a little too much to witness. Paul developed a plan for ending his marriage and moving on with his life. I supported whatever decision he made, regardless of if I was in the final plans or not. Outside of our situation and my feelings, Paul deserves the best. He deserves a loving and warm home. He deserves to have someone kiss him, say "I love you", and mean it! He deserves to laugh and smile. He deserves to have personal space to foster his own interests. He deserves someone who supports him and his endeavors. He deserves someone who understands him. He deserves someone who can make decisions and be an equal force in the relationship. He deserves a partner, not a codependent lump. Let me tell you, his wife does NONE of the above. Paul's plan was to wait until after the holidays because he didn't want to ruin them or attach a negative stigma to them. Unfortunately, as you are well aware, the stigma will still be attached to the holidays whether he wants it to or not. Paul doesn't like hurting people. He is incredibly compassionate, and he tends to fulfill others needs before his own. That worries me.

In November, Paul and I had a huge fallout. I got upset about him not visiting as much or calling as much, and he felt like he couldn't keep me happy. He ended it. He ended our relationship. I was devastated. I cried so much. I couldn't handle NOT having him in my life. I was more mad that he made a decision about US without asking MY opinion. Work was awful because I lost my source of support. Everyday was horribly awkward. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I picked up the pieces that were left of my dignity and confidence, mashed them together, and started chasing him. I had to let him know that the lack of time together would never change how I feel about him. My love for him was boundless and unconditional. I cared about him more than ANYONE I had ever been with. I needed him, and he needed me. We were a perfect team, and I just had to get him to see it. The chasing worked, and eventually, he came around. He understood my thought process and feelings. We worked things out, and agree to work on things and talk things out before we made drastic changes or decisions.

The remainder of November was amazing. We spent time together, and I learned to back off and provide him with space when he needed it. It was tough, but do-able. With a light at the end of the tunnel (in terms of his divorce), it was a lot easier to deal with things. As November turned into December, our relationship began to slide again. The phone calls became fewer. Texting became rare too. Definitely did not happen at work anymore. No more post it notes to add to my collection. No lunches out together. No good morning or good night messages unless prompted. No "I love you" or "I miss you" unless prompted. No apologies. Every time I brought the subject up, the defenses went up and he would say that he was busy with work. I could tell that work was tough on him, but it still wasn't a good enough excuse for me. How long does it take to send a text? 10 seconds? So you're too busy to commit those 10 seconds of your day to me? Not to mention that he was now completely preoccupied at home, when 2 months before, I heard from him ALL day long, every day. We haven't hung out in over a week, and to make matters even more stressful, he missed my birthday party. He had the full and complete intention of coming to my party, but a fight with his wife brought those plans crashing down. For me, I was sad that he didn't show up, but the worst part was that he never sent a text explaining what happened or that he wouldn't be coming. Isn't it proper etiquette to let the guest know if you will be attending or not? Even if it's not etiquette, wouldn't you have enough respect for the woman you love to let her know that you aren't coming? I was beyond upset, and I was mad. Not a good combination for anyone. I finally received a text on Saturday. He apologized and explained what happened... then dead air. No more responses. Later that evening, we texted a bit more... then dead air. Here I sit on a Sunday night, and I've had little contact with him today as well. I feel lost and confused.

I know that I still love him. I know that I forgive him. I know that we need to talk. I know that I have to work with him tomorrow. I know that we can work through this. I know that he needs a friend. I know that some part of him still cares for me.

I don't know if he still loves me. I don't know if he wants to talk to me. I don't know if he wants anything to do with me. I don't know if he wants to work through this. I don't know if he wants me as a friend anymore. I don't know if he will speak to me tomorrow.

I miss our conversations. I miss the random texts. I miss the short phone calls. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss hearing "I miss you". I miss hearing "You're beautiful". I miss my post it notes. I miss my good morning and good night messages. I miss my hugs and kisses. I miss laying and looking into his eyes and thinking "Damn! I am one lucky girl!" I miss seeing the real Paul. I miss watching him get excited about something new. I miss holding his hand. I miss having him tease me about my quirks. I miss him. Maybe that is too much to as of him...

So I sit in my bed wondering what is happening. What is happening? What is wrong? Where did we go wrong? Is this really too much to deal with? Was it that bad? Doesn't the good far outweigh everything else? I have plenty of questions, but obviously no real answers. I just want to hear his voice tell me everything is ok. My love for him is very real. I will continue to love him for a very long time regardless of what happens between us. I want to jump in and let him tell me everything. I want to be his best friend again. I want him to trust me and love me.

My friends are screaming for me to run.
"He's no different than all of the other guys you've dated."
"He'll break your heart."
"If he's this bad now, what will he be like if you started dating?"
"If he can't see your beauty and good qualities, he's missing out."

Although I hear everything they say, my heart and head aren't ready to give up. I'm not ready to give up. I see lots and lots and lots of good in him. I see potential. I see love and compassion and affection. I see happiness. I can't give up until he tells me to give up. I hope that doesn't happen, but part of me is scared that it will. I'm more afraid of watching him abandon his divorce plans and stay married to his wife forever. He is an incredible human being with so much to offer the world. He just needs to be reminded of them. He needs someone who can bring it out of him. I know I can.

I love you Paul.