On the EDGE...

Ever have those days where you feel like you could lose it on a moment's notice? That was me today. Hell, that has been me all week. At this point, it may actually be edging upon 2 weeks. I'm not ashamed to admit that I get upset. I can even get a bit irrational and temperamental. I'm human. The basis for the irrational/emotional/angry mess I'm in? Ohhhh where do I start?

Let's start with Paul. The most incredibly gifted, intelligent, affectionate, genuine, driven man I know. You can read my posts before this one to get a glimpse of how I feel about him. He could argue all day about conditional vs. unconditional love, but I can guarantee that until he looks me in the face and says "I don't love you," my love is genuine and only for him. Fast forward to last Thursday, we spent a little over an hour together. That time rekindled all of my feelings and hopes. It dispelled my doubts and fears. It made me SMILE. To have him hold my hand and tell me he missed me meant more than I can convey. I still hear him say "I love you". To spend time with him, just me and him, was incredible. It gave me hope.

Then came the big holiday weekend. Friday was fairly quiet, a few texts here and there. We had planned a big happy hour after work, and Paul was supposed to show up. As with my birthday, he was a no show and didn't bother texting any of us. Later in the evening I sent him a text asking why he hadn't shown up. His response? "Guess why" The usual... fight with the wife, guilt trip, and he backed down. It makes me sad that he can't take a stand. That his enjoyment in life is cut short by the woman he has decided to live with. I asked him what happened, and I got an abrasive "I don't want to talk about it." Saturday and Sunday were essentially both radio silence... no real communication which is far different than what I am used to with him. I was hurt, confused, and even angry. No "good morning" and no "goodnight". I sent him a "Good morning and Merry Christmas!" on Sunday. It was met with a less than enthusiastic response. The only response I received all day. It honestly broke my heart. I tried to let it go and enjoy the time with my family. Monday came around, and there was still no real communication. He finally asked how my Christmas had gone, what I received as gifts, and how my family was doing. All business. He seemed happier, but happy for reasons unknown to me. I made the long drive back home on Tuesday with little communication. We texted a bit, but after making a joke, he texted "OMG Stop it!". So I stopped. I sent him a text letting him know I made it home safe. His response: all business. No I missed you. No I love you. No I can't wait to see you. Nothing.

He wasn't at work on Wednesday, and the communication was limited. Anything he did text me only had to do with work. That's what we've been reduced to. Only work. I've been pressing him for information lately. To help me understand where he is, what he's thinking, and what is going on between us. He said "My lord... You're in full blown analysis mode." No shit. Our daily conversations have been reduced to dust. The time we used to spend together is now nonexistent. I dreaded coming to work on Thursday. The kind of dread that gives you a headache, makes you want to throw up, and kills your appetite. No good morning as per usual. I toughed it out. It's an understatement to say that hearing his voice and not being the center of his world kills me. I want that back so badly. I think about it and him all the time. Work was busy, so it helped to keep my mind off of things. We instant messaged each other quite a bit... lots of jokes and sarcasm. I felt like if I could laugh, it would help. If I could make him laugh, he'd see what he's missing. It seemed to work at first. Then he said "I miss the cocky _____" (You can fill in the blank with my name). I lost it. Absolutely lost it. I blew up and got upset. I just started ranting about how pissed I am. How alone I feel. That was like an automatic shutoff. He stopped talking. I apologized for the blowup. It wasn't like me. I didn't apologize for what I said. I feel the way I feel for a reason. He seemed ok after that, but there is one HUGE divide between us. Things are so different between us now.

So now I'm at home... we start texting. All business. Nothing personal. Nothing loving. It's awful. I asked him lots of questions... work, personal, family, etc. Short answers. I asked him about he and his wife. "We're good." Really? Not what I wanted to hear. I pushed harder. Complete shutdown. So I sit now in silence wondering how over the course of 4 months, my life went from loving and clear to confusing and distant. I hate what has happened. If I could change it, I would. He always said that he would tell me if things changed. He would be straightforward with me. I think he lied. I think he knows that if he told me the truth, I'd be devastated. She instead he pushes me further and further away until I arrive at a decision on my own. That way there is no guilt and no confrontation. He said he loved me a week ago. Is it possible that it can fade that quickly? What have I done? What have I not done? How can you be content with a woman who does nothing but destroy your life? Is that what you really want out of your existence?

I'm at the point now where I'm trying to make decisions about my own health and sanity. I've fought for SO long for him. I've battled impossible odds to keep us together. I continually give and give and give until I have little to nothing for myself. I've been patient, supportive, loving, forgiving, and a good listener. I don't think any other person would do that for him. I do it because there is a genuine love for him in my heart. He used to keep me going by reminding me that the divorce would happen in January. "Only a few more months." I started a countdown as a joke at one point. I swore I'd never let a man dictate my feelings and emotions. That I'm better and stronger than that. That happiness isn't dependent upon a male in my life. Somehow he broke all of those rules. Somehow I fell victim to the things I always tried to avoid. I'm a foreigner to myself at this point. I'm so confused by his recent behavior. He puts up all kinds of walls, is unusually quiet, and avoids any "difficult" questions. We used to talk for hours. He used to tell me that he never opened up to anyone like he opened up to me. WTF happened? What changed? I'm still me and I miss our talks. Now when I try to talk, he balks and firmly tells me I'm overanalyzing things. Really? Ok maybe I overanalyze a little. I'm inquisitive and blunt... I don't do well with open-ended BS. Be straight with me. Tell me how you feel.

I miss our talks.
I miss our lunch outings.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss seeing him smile at me.
I miss making him laugh.
I miss our inside jokes.
I miss our downtime.
I miss my good morning messages.
I miss being told goodnight.
I miss getting a call on the way home from work.
I miss getting a surprise call on the way to work.
I miss being called beautiful.
I miss making plans.
I miss the texts that would bring a smile to my face.
I miss the car rides.
I miss his support.
I miss the openness between us.
I miss being able to know exactly what he was thinking.
I miss our intelligent conversations.
I miss surprising him.
I miss his genuine concern for my well-being.
I miss our cooking sessions.
I miss discovering new things about him.
I miss learning new things from him.
I miss opening my door and seeing his smiling face.
I miss everything...

As sad as it is to say, he is the ONLY person I have EVER felt this way about. Don't get me wrong, there have been lots of dates and boyfriends, but he is the only one to have had this profound of an effect on me. It still blows my mind. I wish I could find him again. I wish I could bring him back. I wish I could make him see how good things are. Until then, I have to take one day at a time and slowly heal. I have to get back to the confident and independent woman I was before. I don't want to spend my life alone, but I don't want to spend my days chasing someone who doesn't love me as much as they should. I know I am perfect for him in more ways than one. Now I only hope that he sees it. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that I will have to deal with the fact that he will choose her over me... out of convenience. Life isn't easy, but I never knew it would be this difficult.

On top of it all, everyone's lives seem to be moving on except for mine. Marty is getting a new job, far awway from me. Bel is still in Michigan, even farther from me. She'll be getting married soon. Lance and I are completely finished, barely friends at this point. Evelyn is dating a new guy, and she barely has time for me. Kristy and I rarely speak, no matter how hard I try. I feel like my world is crumbling, and I don't have enough hands to catch it all. Maybe it's time to see a counselor again. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I love going actually. Nice to have an uninvolved neutral source tell you how effing crazy you are! We shall see... It is a new year soon. Resolutions are meant to be made, partially followed, and eventually broken :)

"Promise me you'll always REMEMBER: you're BRAVER than you BELIEVE, and STRONGER than you SEEM, and SMARTER than you THINK." --Christopher Robin