A Turn Around

Today seemed to mark a point in which Paul and I were able to talk. Honestly talk.

He called me. I was beyond excited. We talked for over an hour, between the bullshitting, laughing, and some serious moment... we didn't get a lot resolved. Essentially I'm still confused. Terribly confused actually. He gives me so many glimmers of hope, and then destroys them with his own insecurity and confusion. He says things such as, "When we're together." or "I'll remember that for the future when you bring something up." He clearly wants me. He clearly has feelings. He clearly has emotions that are tied to me. Unfortunately, the feelings and emotions towards me are all mixed up in a giant pot that also houses his distressed and discomforted feelings towards family, extended family, friends, and work. It's got to be hard to strain out the good from the bad when there is that much in the pot. It's not impossible, just daunting.

Although I honestly love Paul, he has one personality quirk that drives me crazy. If you can't tell, I'm very straightforward and honest, so is Paul. The difference is that I have no problem being confronted or confronting others. Paul on the other hand is flighty when the spotlight is turned on him. He balks and runs, or creates some inopportune joke or witty remark. Funny nonetheless, but damnit, sometimes I just need my answers. Today was a CLASSIC example. I spent my time on the phone cheering him up (as per usual), complimenting him (he's very handsome), and laughing with him about silly things (he's also very funny), but this was all interspersed with some serious questions. Things that would give me insight, hope, confidence, and the ability to press on in the face of everything that is happening. Instead, my questions are avoided, I end up more confused, and I have to keep finding the inner well of confidence and strength to keep going. I know the questions are tough. I know he may not have the answers. Regardless, can't he give me something? Can't he see that I need his support too? This is inhibiting me as well! Sometimes I need a boost, a hug, or a compliment. Maybe this is rhetorical, but, shouldn't he know if he loves me or not? Shouldn't he already know if he wants to be with me? Shouldn't he already see that his marriage is a disaster and that his talents and knowledge are being squandered on someone who doesn't see them, let alone appreciate them?

All in all, there is more in this situation than meets the eye. There are things that I will never understand or grasp, but I do know what happiness, love, affection, and LIVING really are. His growth in those areas seems to be stunted by his current predicament. If I could ask him 3 questions and get honest answers, I would ask:

When are you getting divorced?
Will we ever be together?
When will I get to hang out with you again?

I doubt I will ever get answers, but it's nice to get it out in writing. I'm terribly afraid of what the answers will be. I'm afraid that my love for him will never be enough to change his mind. I know many of you reading this would automatically say: "Then you need to find someone else who will appreciate you." The truth is that he does appreciate me, his situation just makes it difficult. For the first time in my life, I'm being an optimist. I'm pushing my boundaries and willing myself to see hope, good, and potential in all things. I need him to trust me. I need him to see the good and feel the love that is readily available for him. He is by far the most incredible man I have EVER dated. The combination of his intelligence, wit, sarcasm, affection, love, integrity, strength, drive, motivation, and dedication is unlike anything I have ever witnessed. I will NEVER find anyone like him again. That is what scares me. Sometimes I wish I was 10 years older, and I had met him before his wife. He deserves better, and he knows it.

When we talked, he said something that made me nearly cry.
"On the surface, I want to tell you it's not worth it, to give up. But deep down in my heart, a small voice screams, 'Don't leave!'"
That statement alone gives me fuel to keep fighting, to keep hoping. It shows that he is worried about how long this will take and the emotional and mental ramifications it may have on me. Deep down he yearns for my affection, a closeness to me, and a relationship. He only wants to see me happy. I get that. At the end of the day, the idea of losing him is far more painful and cringe inducing than just needing to have space for a bit. Although that aspect isn't enjoyable either, it gives things a temporary feel. A light at the end of the tunnel. Time will tell. I just hope that he doesn't sell himself short. That he doesn't commit to a life of monotony and ignorance because it's "easier". At some point, one has to stand up for oneself. We have ONE amazing life, and there is absolutely NO sense in being miserable. Take a deep breath, grab the reins, and fight for the things that matter.