So the rest of my week went ok. Paul is in his own world and not really talking to anyone, including me. He still refers to me as his "girlfriend" and says that he misses me, which is nice to hear. A huge relief actually. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get his attention. We don't text, which is my only form of contact with him, so that is incredibly disheartening and frustrating. I just wish he knew how much I miss him, and how much I want to spend time with him. I want him to see how much better his life can be. How much happier he can be. I know that he would be far happier and have more fun if he would just let me back into his life. Unfortunately, that is not up to me, nor do I have control over it. Until he decides to do something or anything, I have to sit back and let him take this at his pace, which is incredibly frustrating for a control freak like myself.
On Friday, I went out to a new club near my place. I ended up being introduced to a guy who was a lot of fun and very friendly. I spent my entire evening dancing and talking to him. Found out he is 34, no biological kids, claims his ex's kids as his own, has NO job, and has NO hobbies. His favorite thing to do is sit around the house and watch tv... WTF? Seriously? Clearly, there are a ton of red flags on this one... he's not a winner and he's definitely not boyfriend material for someone like me. I gave him my number because he is interested in a job where I work. I'm game for helping people to make connections, but this guy seems to be more interested in personal conversations via text than business/career conversations. Ugh. I'm definitely trying to be nice! Since Friday, this guy... let's call him Danny... has been texting me and calling. Not overwhelming or obnoxious... just here and there, making slightly inappropriate comments. I laid the ground rules... I'm not a booty call, so stop talking to me if that is what you want. He hasn't given up, and the frustrating part is that he has yet to actually ask me on a date or anything. Shouldn't he have done that by now? Oh well.
Now comes the worst part... I'm torn. Incredibly torn. My heart is with Paul, no doubt about it. I love him completely, I want to be with him, and I miss him. Danny isn't anything like Paul. Paul is everything I need: intelligent, affectionate, creative, driven, dedicated, honest, loving, HANDSOME, motivated... I could go on and on. So far, I've deduced that Danny is none of the above. Sad, right? The only thing he gives me is the attention I crave... Paul has been MIA for weeks now, so I'm beginning to crave the attention, the hugs, the touch of someone who cares, the affectionate comments, and the friendly voice after a long day. I don't know when or if I'll get those again from Paul. I hate to think that I would break my stance so I could feel affection... but I guess it's not that crazy or far-fetched when you think about it. All I know, is that deep down my heart and love are for Paul and only Paul. I can't even fathom giving that to someone else at this point. So I feel really torn about moving on versus staying... 99% of me is still desperate to stay and win Paul over completely, so I guess that is what I will do.
On Saturday, I was in a hurry to get to dance class when my phone rang. I thought it was someone else, but was shocked to see Paul's name! I was so excited! I had missed his voice. He seemed relieved to talk with me. We talked about work (as per usual), his family, weekend plans, and is he was still into me or not. He always gets irritated when I bring that up, but I think I have a complete right to do so. If he can't provide consistent affection and reassurance, what am I supposed to do? Regardless, the phone call was one of the best surprises I have had in a while (aside from the flowers he sent me of course), and it made me feel reassured that his feelings haven't change. He's working through a lot of issues right now, and I know that I need to be respectful and understanding of them. That is my challenge to work on. Other than that phone call, I haven't heard from him all weekend, which is upsetting. Who knows where this is all headed, but I do know that I am not ready to move on and be done with him. I love him way too much.
