So the rest of my week went ok. Paul is in his own world and not really talking to anyone, including me. He still refers to me as his "girlfriend" and says that he misses me, which is nice to hear. A huge relief actually. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get his attention. We don't text, which is my only form of contact with him, so that is incredibly disheartening and frustrating. I just wish he knew how much I miss him, and how much I want to spend time with him. I want him to see how much better his life can be. How much happier he can be. I know that he would be far happier and have more fun if he would just let me back into his life. Unfortunately, that is not up to me, nor do I have control over it. Until he decides to do something or anything, I have to sit back and let him take this at his pace, which is incredibly frustrating for a control freak like myself.
On Friday, I went out to a new club near my place. I ended up being introduced to a guy who was a lot of fun and very friendly. I spent my entire evening dancing and talking to him. Found out he is 34, no biological kids, claims his ex's kids as his own, has NO job, and has NO hobbies. His favorite thing to do is sit around the house and watch tv... WTF? Seriously? Clearly, there are a ton of red flags on this one... he's not a winner and he's definitely not boyfriend material for someone like me. I gave him my number because he is interested in a job where I work. I'm game for helping people to make connections, but this guy seems to be more interested in personal conversations via text than business/career conversations. Ugh. I'm definitely trying to be nice! Since Friday, this guy... let's call him Danny... has been texting me and calling. Not overwhelming or obnoxious... just here and there, making slightly inappropriate comments. I laid the ground rules... I'm not a booty call, so stop talking to me if that is what you want. He hasn't given up, and the frustrating part is that he has yet to actually ask me on a date or anything. Shouldn't he have done that by now? Oh well.
Now comes the worst part... I'm torn. Incredibly torn. My heart is with Paul, no doubt about it. I love him completely, I want to be with him, and I miss him. Danny isn't anything like Paul. Paul is everything I need: intelligent, affectionate, creative, driven, dedicated, honest, loving, HANDSOME, motivated... I could go on and on. So far, I've deduced that Danny is none of the above. Sad, right? The only thing he gives me is the attention I crave... Paul has been MIA for weeks now, so I'm beginning to crave the attention, the hugs, the touch of someone who cares, the affectionate comments, and the friendly voice after a long day. I don't know when or if I'll get those again from Paul. I hate to think that I would break my stance so I could feel affection... but I guess it's not that crazy or far-fetched when you think about it. All I know, is that deep down my heart and love are for Paul and only Paul. I can't even fathom giving that to someone else at this point. So I feel really torn about moving on versus staying... 99% of me is still desperate to stay and win Paul over completely, so I guess that is what I will do.
On Saturday, I was in a hurry to get to dance class when my phone rang. I thought it was someone else, but was shocked to see Paul's name! I was so excited! I had missed his voice. He seemed relieved to talk with me. We talked about work (as per usual), his family, weekend plans, and is he was still into me or not. He always gets irritated when I bring that up, but I think I have a complete right to do so. If he can't provide consistent affection and reassurance, what am I supposed to do? Regardless, the phone call was one of the best surprises I have had in a while (aside from the flowers he sent me of course), and it made me feel reassured that his feelings haven't change. He's working through a lot of issues right now, and I know that I need to be respectful and understanding of them. That is my challenge to work on. Other than that phone call, I haven't heard from him all weekend, which is upsetting. Who knows where this is all headed, but I do know that I am not ready to move on and be done with him. I love him way too much.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Roller Coaster
It's been about 2 months since I last posted on here, and trust me, a lot has happened over the past 2 months. Shortly after my last post, Paul's behavior became more erratic and strange. He was distant, extremely distant... and then he dealt the crushing blow that I was not prepared for. "I'm not getting divorced." I couldn't handle it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was the foreign phrase that I had seen on the horizon but had chosen to ignore. I was a mess... I couldn't stop crying. Everything reminded me of him. Everything reminded me of what I could have had with him. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. I was a mess for a couple days. I stopped eating, I spent a lot of time laying around racking my brain, and I tucked away every note and physical item that reminded me of him. It was brutal and painful. I called a therapist and started speaking with her at least twice a week. I felt so lost and disconnected, as if my life was unimportant. The therapist let me talk, but it didn't help to heal the wounds. I had to ignore his texts and reduce work to JUST work. No joking, no bonding, and no hugs and kisses in secret. It killed me to hear his voice and know that we weren't the same anymore. I would burst into tears at work, and I was constantly on edge.
A few weeks into the disaster, Paul had an assignment for work, and he called me and asked for my help. I reluctantly agreed, but I knew that I had to make work more pleasant. That we had to be friendly and get along because of work. We met up and worked on the assignment, and I did a damn good job at remaining neutral. I don't wear it very well at all though. He knew it. Upon completion of the assignment, we headed back to our cars... I had brought a few of the Christmas presents that I had purchased for him, so I got them out of the front seat and handed them to him. Definitely hit a chord with that. He looked broken, vulnerable, and on the brink of losing it. I asked him if he wanted to sit and talk, and thankfully he agreed. We sat in the car and spilled to each other. All of my emotion came pouring out, and he broke down and cried. It was the first time I had ever seen him be emotional and truly show his raw emotions. He is normally so solid and stoic, but for one time, I saw him at his weakest and it made him truly human. I was blown away, he needed me, he missed me, and his life was not the same without me in it.
After talking for a while, we admitted our feelings and our genuine love for one another. It was a breath of fresh air, a breath of life that had vanished from my own existence. I felt relief and hope again. I had him back. He promised to not give up on me or us. That he would fight for us because he couldn't handle NOT having me in his life. I was happy, but guarded. We went our separate ways, but I had a huge weight removed from my shoulders. I felt happy again. Work returned to "normal", and we were able to enjoy each others' company as much as possible. Unfortunately, Paul was subject to a lot of changes at work, so our relationship became a little strained at work. Not a lot of time to talk, and when we did, it didn't really go beyond work related stuff. I don't mind being supportive of his needs, especially when things go wrong at work, but I often feel like it is very one-sided. He doesn't seem to get overly concerned about issues in my life, nor does he ever ask how I'm doing. It's frustrating.
Fast forward a few more weeks, Paul's wife gets into a massive car accident, so they are reduced to using one car. No more morning phone calls and no more evening phone calls. I felt like my one reward every day was being ripped away. Although it's not easy, I'm still dealing with it... the car is supposed to be back in 2 weeks. Let the countdown begin! Texting has been reduced to a minimum because he doesn't have time (I guess), and then to make things even more complicated, his boss told him not to IM anymore at work. All forms of communication have literally been cut off. Ugh. So now our time together is limited to work, which means that I spend maybe 10 minutes a day with him. I know, I know... I should be grateful for whatever time I do receive, but going from one night a week to 10 minutes a day (if I'm lucky) is a HUGE reduction. Not something I'm happy about either.
On Friday night, I drove Paul home after a happy hour with some friends. We talked about work, and then I lost it. I apologized for getting upset and crying, but that I hadn't really had any time with him. All we do is talk about work and more work, and sometimes I just want to talk about us and our lives. I want to know what he is up to, what he is thinking, and talk about the latest events in his life. He means a lot to me! He got angry at first, but then calmed down and we were able to talk. He seemed to understand and respect what I was saying. He told me that he was sorry and would make a greater effort to be more active in our relationship. After talking, I felt A LOT better. I had been able to clear the air and let him know what I thought. He told me that I was his rock, that I made things better because of the support I provided. That made me smile. :)
We spent a little time catching up, and then I dropped him off. I had such a good time, and I felt hopeful, relieved, and happy as I drove home. I think I smiled the entire trip. Once I arrived home, I sent him a text and he sent me a very sweet one back. I was thrilled! Saturday morning came, I said good morning to Paul via text and he asked me what I was up to. I responded, and then.... nothing. I was confused. I chalked it up to cell phone malfunction since his phone had been acting up. He wasn't receiving texts, calls, emails, etc. I didn't think much of it... but I definitely missed him. It just seemed so weird. Monday morning came and I sent him my traditional "good morning" text. No response. Weird. I went over to his cube after he didn't send me an IM saying good morning. I said hello and something about him being quiet. He looked at me and made some comment about my outfit and haircut, both very nice of course, so I pressed him about not texting me over the weekend. He shrugged. I asked him, "Did you get my texts?". "Yes" he responded, so I knew right away he had ignored me. Intentionally ignored me. I felt my heart and gut sink...really? Is it that easy to put me on the backburner? To forget about me? Am I that big of a burden and a bother? I didn't know what to say. I asked if he was mad at me. Nope. Were we still ok? Yes. So then what gives? Is he ok with miniscule amounts of time throughout the week?
So here I sit on Monday night wondering what is happening to my relationship with Paul AGAIN. I don't get it. I feel like I work my ass off to keep things going, to hold out hope, to keep him happy... but it never seems like enough. Then he'll do something sweet, and I'll forget about everything. Is that what I want from my relationship? I need someone who cares about me and my well being, who constantly thinks about me, who wonders what I'm doing, who checks to make sure I get home safe every night, who spontaneously sends me "I love you" "I miss you" and "You are beautiful" texts, who finds ways to make me smile on the worst days, who can step in and hug me without being asked, who can make me feel like one in a billion, and who can love me unconditionally each and every day. I'm beginning to doubt that Paul can fill each of those for me at this point in time. His dedication to work, his family, his friends, and his various other responsibilities has pushed me so far off his radar, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even see me anymore. I feel invisible to him most days, and when he needs me, it's only to talk about work. I want more than that, but our situation prevents that. I love him very very very much, and would do anything for him. But, I have to be realistic. Is this good for me anymore? Will he eventually commit? Does he still want me? My deadline is August 30, 2012... his birthday. The first time we really spent time together. If he can't commit by then, I have to move on and find a healthier way of living. I don't want to move on without him... My feelings for him have not changed, and I can't imagine a day without him in my life...
A few weeks into the disaster, Paul had an assignment for work, and he called me and asked for my help. I reluctantly agreed, but I knew that I had to make work more pleasant. That we had to be friendly and get along because of work. We met up and worked on the assignment, and I did a damn good job at remaining neutral. I don't wear it very well at all though. He knew it. Upon completion of the assignment, we headed back to our cars... I had brought a few of the Christmas presents that I had purchased for him, so I got them out of the front seat and handed them to him. Definitely hit a chord with that. He looked broken, vulnerable, and on the brink of losing it. I asked him if he wanted to sit and talk, and thankfully he agreed. We sat in the car and spilled to each other. All of my emotion came pouring out, and he broke down and cried. It was the first time I had ever seen him be emotional and truly show his raw emotions. He is normally so solid and stoic, but for one time, I saw him at his weakest and it made him truly human. I was blown away, he needed me, he missed me, and his life was not the same without me in it.
After talking for a while, we admitted our feelings and our genuine love for one another. It was a breath of fresh air, a breath of life that had vanished from my own existence. I felt relief and hope again. I had him back. He promised to not give up on me or us. That he would fight for us because he couldn't handle NOT having me in his life. I was happy, but guarded. We went our separate ways, but I had a huge weight removed from my shoulders. I felt happy again. Work returned to "normal", and we were able to enjoy each others' company as much as possible. Unfortunately, Paul was subject to a lot of changes at work, so our relationship became a little strained at work. Not a lot of time to talk, and when we did, it didn't really go beyond work related stuff. I don't mind being supportive of his needs, especially when things go wrong at work, but I often feel like it is very one-sided. He doesn't seem to get overly concerned about issues in my life, nor does he ever ask how I'm doing. It's frustrating.
Fast forward a few more weeks, Paul's wife gets into a massive car accident, so they are reduced to using one car. No more morning phone calls and no more evening phone calls. I felt like my one reward every day was being ripped away. Although it's not easy, I'm still dealing with it... the car is supposed to be back in 2 weeks. Let the countdown begin! Texting has been reduced to a minimum because he doesn't have time (I guess), and then to make things even more complicated, his boss told him not to IM anymore at work. All forms of communication have literally been cut off. Ugh. So now our time together is limited to work, which means that I spend maybe 10 minutes a day with him. I know, I know... I should be grateful for whatever time I do receive, but going from one night a week to 10 minutes a day (if I'm lucky) is a HUGE reduction. Not something I'm happy about either.
On Friday night, I drove Paul home after a happy hour with some friends. We talked about work, and then I lost it. I apologized for getting upset and crying, but that I hadn't really had any time with him. All we do is talk about work and more work, and sometimes I just want to talk about us and our lives. I want to know what he is up to, what he is thinking, and talk about the latest events in his life. He means a lot to me! He got angry at first, but then calmed down and we were able to talk. He seemed to understand and respect what I was saying. He told me that he was sorry and would make a greater effort to be more active in our relationship. After talking, I felt A LOT better. I had been able to clear the air and let him know what I thought. He told me that I was his rock, that I made things better because of the support I provided. That made me smile. :)
We spent a little time catching up, and then I dropped him off. I had such a good time, and I felt hopeful, relieved, and happy as I drove home. I think I smiled the entire trip. Once I arrived home, I sent him a text and he sent me a very sweet one back. I was thrilled! Saturday morning came, I said good morning to Paul via text and he asked me what I was up to. I responded, and then.... nothing. I was confused. I chalked it up to cell phone malfunction since his phone had been acting up. He wasn't receiving texts, calls, emails, etc. I didn't think much of it... but I definitely missed him. It just seemed so weird. Monday morning came and I sent him my traditional "good morning" text. No response. Weird. I went over to his cube after he didn't send me an IM saying good morning. I said hello and something about him being quiet. He looked at me and made some comment about my outfit and haircut, both very nice of course, so I pressed him about not texting me over the weekend. He shrugged. I asked him, "Did you get my texts?". "Yes" he responded, so I knew right away he had ignored me. Intentionally ignored me. I felt my heart and gut sink...really? Is it that easy to put me on the backburner? To forget about me? Am I that big of a burden and a bother? I didn't know what to say. I asked if he was mad at me. Nope. Were we still ok? Yes. So then what gives? Is he ok with miniscule amounts of time throughout the week?
So here I sit on Monday night wondering what is happening to my relationship with Paul AGAIN. I don't get it. I feel like I work my ass off to keep things going, to hold out hope, to keep him happy... but it never seems like enough. Then he'll do something sweet, and I'll forget about everything. Is that what I want from my relationship? I need someone who cares about me and my well being, who constantly thinks about me, who wonders what I'm doing, who checks to make sure I get home safe every night, who spontaneously sends me "I love you" "I miss you" and "You are beautiful" texts, who finds ways to make me smile on the worst days, who can step in and hug me without being asked, who can make me feel like one in a billion, and who can love me unconditionally each and every day. I'm beginning to doubt that Paul can fill each of those for me at this point in time. His dedication to work, his family, his friends, and his various other responsibilities has pushed me so far off his radar, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even see me anymore. I feel invisible to him most days, and when he needs me, it's only to talk about work. I want more than that, but our situation prevents that. I love him very very very much, and would do anything for him. But, I have to be realistic. Is this good for me anymore? Will he eventually commit? Does he still want me? My deadline is August 30, 2012... his birthday. The first time we really spent time together. If he can't commit by then, I have to move on and find a healthier way of living. I don't want to move on without him... My feelings for him have not changed, and I can't imagine a day without him in my life...
Monday, January 2, 2012
A Trip To Hawaii
With all of the latest happenings in my life, I stopped writing about all of my crazy dates! So here goes...
When I started in my new job, I started an account at an online dating website. At first, it was fun and helped to pass the time, but after a while, I realized it wasn't what I needed. At one point, I had a young man, Ben, send me a message on the dating website. I checked out his profile and read the message, and I was not impressed. He just wasn't my type, and honestly I didn't find him very attractive at all. I ignored his message and never responded. A few days later he messaged me on Facebook. Really? How the hell did he even find me?? I was so confused... I ignored this message just like I ignored the last one. A few days later, Ben sent me another message on the sating website. Clearly this guys DOES NOT get it. I finally wrote back... one and two word answers to his questions. He ate it up. The messages kept flooding in, and my uninterested responses kept getting sent back.
Eventually on a Friday night, I asked him where he worked. I didn't check my email at all over the weekend. First thing Monday morning, I was on the phone with a vendor through work, and I started scanning over our massive internal phone list. My eyes fell straight on Ben's name. I nearly had a heart attack while on the phone with the vendor. I quickly hung up and frantically opened my email. Sure enough! He had written back and talked about how he worked in IT at the same company as myself. My jaw dropped. Is this possible? Clearly this guy is messing with me. He had to have known that I worked here. He had to have been checking up on me. I panicked. Then it dawned on me! Use the oldest excuse in the book! "Sorry, I don't date people I work with." Totally lame and I have never followed that policy (oops), but he didn't have to know that. I wrote back and explained that we work together (small world!) and what my personal work policy consists of. Take that one Mr. IT guy! He responded with "Well, I don't like your personal policy, but since you are new here, why don't we go to dinner as friends?" Damn. He got me. I reluctantly agreed.
We met up for dinner at a Mexican restaurant not far from my place. Conversation was super awkward because he kept asking me questions, but wouldn't really respond to any of mine. A very one-sided conversation to say the least. At one point, I asked him about his family. Did he have siblings? How many? What did his parents do for a living? Did he see his family very often? "Yeah I see them a lot. Especially my sister because she has a son," he said. "Aww that's cute! Is your sister older or younger than you?" "Oh she's younger, a lot younger," he responded. My head is quickly calculating all of the mental math at this point. Something wasn't making sense. "So did she have him at a really young age?" "Oh yeah. She got raped in high school," he said without even flinching. I was shocked and I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the table! WTF? Who even says that??? I couldn't find a quick way to respond or save the conversation. Epic fail.
Not long after that, I said it was time for me to leave and I excused myself from the table. He followed right on my tail and said he'd walk me to my car. I told him it wasn't necessary. He was adamant. I gave up because I was in no mood to argue with him. I begrudgingly headed to the car. Once we were there, I unlocked the door and quickly made a move to get in the car. He grabbed me and attempted to kiss me. I balked pushed away and locked myself in the car. I don't even remember saying "thank you" for dinner or anything. Shame on me. I drove away fuming. He knew how I felt and he knew my policy. Instead, he tried to "change my mind". Jackass.
For several days following our "date", Ben constantly texted me. It was nonstop. I didn't respond to a majority of the texts, and I finally stopped responding altogether. That sent him over the edge. The texts became aggressive and controlling. It was weird. I even told quite a few people about him at work, just in case I went missing. One night, I was home alone as per usual, and another text from him came through. I blew it off for a while and then finally read it. "I'm really upset with you. I had all kinds of great plans for us. Lots of things for us to try and lots of places for us to go together. I can't believe you are doing this to me." I stood in shock. Really? Crazy weirdo. I deleted the message and headed to bed. A little while later, another text came through. This one was a little more intense and a lot creepier. "That's it. I'm so disappointed in you. I had all kinds of great things for us! I even had all of the accommodations and reservations done for us to spend our one year anniversary in Hawaii together!" Holy lord. I was speechless. Crazy mother effer. I kept this message, just in case. I didn't respond at all. He left me alone for a while, but he eventually made an attempt to talk to me again. I told him that he was making me uncomfortable and that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He seemed to get the hint. I haven't had any problems with him since then, but "Captain Creepy" as we affectionately call him in the workplace, is well known and oftentimes the center of some sarcastic quips. I now know that I need to be a little more stringent in my dating preferences. Learning to say "NO" is a must!
When I started in my new job, I started an account at an online dating website. At first, it was fun and helped to pass the time, but after a while, I realized it wasn't what I needed. At one point, I had a young man, Ben, send me a message on the dating website. I checked out his profile and read the message, and I was not impressed. He just wasn't my type, and honestly I didn't find him very attractive at all. I ignored his message and never responded. A few days later he messaged me on Facebook. Really? How the hell did he even find me?? I was so confused... I ignored this message just like I ignored the last one. A few days later, Ben sent me another message on the sating website. Clearly this guys DOES NOT get it. I finally wrote back... one and two word answers to his questions. He ate it up. The messages kept flooding in, and my uninterested responses kept getting sent back.
Eventually on a Friday night, I asked him where he worked. I didn't check my email at all over the weekend. First thing Monday morning, I was on the phone with a vendor through work, and I started scanning over our massive internal phone list. My eyes fell straight on Ben's name. I nearly had a heart attack while on the phone with the vendor. I quickly hung up and frantically opened my email. Sure enough! He had written back and talked about how he worked in IT at the same company as myself. My jaw dropped. Is this possible? Clearly this guy is messing with me. He had to have known that I worked here. He had to have been checking up on me. I panicked. Then it dawned on me! Use the oldest excuse in the book! "Sorry, I don't date people I work with." Totally lame and I have never followed that policy (oops), but he didn't have to know that. I wrote back and explained that we work together (small world!) and what my personal work policy consists of. Take that one Mr. IT guy! He responded with "Well, I don't like your personal policy, but since you are new here, why don't we go to dinner as friends?" Damn. He got me. I reluctantly agreed.
We met up for dinner at a Mexican restaurant not far from my place. Conversation was super awkward because he kept asking me questions, but wouldn't really respond to any of mine. A very one-sided conversation to say the least. At one point, I asked him about his family. Did he have siblings? How many? What did his parents do for a living? Did he see his family very often? "Yeah I see them a lot. Especially my sister because she has a son," he said. "Aww that's cute! Is your sister older or younger than you?" "Oh she's younger, a lot younger," he responded. My head is quickly calculating all of the mental math at this point. Something wasn't making sense. "So did she have him at a really young age?" "Oh yeah. She got raped in high school," he said without even flinching. I was shocked and I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the table! WTF? Who even says that??? I couldn't find a quick way to respond or save the conversation. Epic fail.
Not long after that, I said it was time for me to leave and I excused myself from the table. He followed right on my tail and said he'd walk me to my car. I told him it wasn't necessary. He was adamant. I gave up because I was in no mood to argue with him. I begrudgingly headed to the car. Once we were there, I unlocked the door and quickly made a move to get in the car. He grabbed me and attempted to kiss me. I balked pushed away and locked myself in the car. I don't even remember saying "thank you" for dinner or anything. Shame on me. I drove away fuming. He knew how I felt and he knew my policy. Instead, he tried to "change my mind". Jackass.
For several days following our "date", Ben constantly texted me. It was nonstop. I didn't respond to a majority of the texts, and I finally stopped responding altogether. That sent him over the edge. The texts became aggressive and controlling. It was weird. I even told quite a few people about him at work, just in case I went missing. One night, I was home alone as per usual, and another text from him came through. I blew it off for a while and then finally read it. "I'm really upset with you. I had all kinds of great plans for us. Lots of things for us to try and lots of places for us to go together. I can't believe you are doing this to me." I stood in shock. Really? Crazy weirdo. I deleted the message and headed to bed. A little while later, another text came through. This one was a little more intense and a lot creepier. "That's it. I'm so disappointed in you. I had all kinds of great things for us! I even had all of the accommodations and reservations done for us to spend our one year anniversary in Hawaii together!" Holy lord. I was speechless. Crazy mother effer. I kept this message, just in case. I didn't respond at all. He left me alone for a while, but he eventually made an attempt to talk to me again. I told him that he was making me uncomfortable and that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He seemed to get the hint. I haven't had any problems with him since then, but "Captain Creepy" as we affectionately call him in the workplace, is well known and oftentimes the center of some sarcastic quips. I now know that I need to be a little more stringent in my dating preferences. Learning to say "NO" is a must!
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