A Step Forward... or Back?

So the rest of my week went ok. Paul is in his own world and not really talking to anyone, including me. He still refers to me as his "girlfriend" and says that he misses me, which is nice to hear. A huge relief actually. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get his attention. We don't text, which is my only form of contact with him, so that is incredibly disheartening and frustrating. I just wish he knew how much I miss him, and how much I want to spend time with him. I want him to see how much better his life can be. How much happier he can be. I know that he would be far happier and have more fun if he would just let me back into his life. Unfortunately, that is not up to me, nor do I have control over it. Until he decides to do something or anything, I have to sit back and let him take this at his pace, which is incredibly frustrating for a control freak like myself.

On Friday, I went out to a new club near my place. I ended up being introduced to a guy who was a lot of fun and very friendly. I spent my entire evening dancing and talking to him. Found out he is 34, no biological kids, claims his ex's kids as his own, has NO job, and has NO hobbies. His favorite thing to do is sit around the house and watch tv... WTF? Seriously? Clearly, there are a ton of red flags on this one... he's not a winner and he's definitely not boyfriend material for someone like me. I gave him my number because he is interested in a job where I work. I'm game for helping people to make connections, but this guy seems to be more interested in personal conversations via text than business/career conversations. Ugh. I'm definitely trying to be nice! Since Friday, this guy... let's call him Danny... has been texting me and calling. Not overwhelming or obnoxious... just here and there, making slightly inappropriate comments. I laid the ground rules... I'm not a booty call, so stop talking to me if that is what you want. He hasn't given up, and the frustrating part is that he has yet to actually ask me on a date or anything. Shouldn't he have done that by now? Oh well.

Now comes the worst part... I'm torn. Incredibly torn. My heart is with Paul, no doubt about it. I love him completely, I want to be with him, and I miss him. Danny isn't anything like Paul. Paul is everything I need: intelligent, affectionate, creative, driven, dedicated, honest, loving, HANDSOME, motivated... I could go on and on. So far, I've deduced that Danny is none of the above. Sad, right? The only thing he gives me is the attention I crave... Paul has been MIA for weeks now, so I'm beginning to crave the attention, the hugs, the touch of someone who cares, the affectionate comments, and the friendly voice after a long day. I don't know when or if I'll get those again from Paul. I hate to think that I would break my stance so I could feel affection... but I guess it's not that crazy or far-fetched when you think about it. All I know, is that deep down my heart and love are for Paul and only Paul. I can't even fathom giving that to someone else at this point. So I feel really torn about moving on versus staying... 99% of me is still desperate to stay and win Paul over completely, so I guess that is what I will do.

On Saturday, I was in a hurry to get to dance class when my phone rang. I thought it was someone else, but was shocked to see Paul's name! I was so excited! I had missed his voice. He seemed relieved to talk with me. We talked about work (as per usual), his family, weekend plans, and is he was still into me or not. He always gets irritated when I bring that up, but I think I have a complete right to do so. If he can't provide consistent affection and reassurance, what am I supposed to do? Regardless, the phone call was one of the best surprises I have had in a while (aside from the flowers he sent me of course), and it made me feel reassured that his feelings haven't change. He's working through a lot of issues right now, and I know that I need to be respectful and understanding of them. That is my challenge to work on. Other than that phone call, I haven't heard from him all weekend, which is upsetting. Who knows where this is all headed, but I do know that I am not ready to move on and be done with him. I love him way too much.

Roller Coaster

It's been about 2 months since I last posted on here, and trust me, a lot has happened over the past 2 months. Shortly after my last post, Paul's behavior became more erratic and strange. He was distant, extremely distant... and then he dealt the crushing blow that I was not prepared for. "I'm not getting divorced." I couldn't handle it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was the foreign phrase that I had seen on the horizon but had chosen to ignore. I was a mess... I couldn't stop crying. Everything reminded me of him. Everything reminded me of what I could have had with him. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. I was a mess for a couple days. I stopped eating, I spent a lot of time laying around racking my brain, and I tucked away every note and physical item that reminded me of him. It was brutal and painful. I called a therapist and started speaking with her at least twice a week. I felt so lost and disconnected, as if my life was unimportant. The therapist let me talk, but it didn't help to heal the wounds. I had to ignore his texts and reduce work to JUST work. No joking, no bonding, and no hugs and kisses in secret. It killed me to hear his voice and know that we weren't the same anymore. I would burst into tears at work, and I was constantly on edge.

A few weeks into the disaster, Paul had an assignment for work, and he called me and asked for my help. I reluctantly agreed, but I knew that I had to make work more pleasant. That we had to be friendly and get along because of work. We met up and worked on the assignment, and I did a damn good job at remaining neutral. I don't wear it very well at all though. He knew it. Upon completion of the assignment, we headed back to our cars... I had brought a few of the Christmas presents that I had purchased for him, so I got them out of the front seat and handed them to him. Definitely hit a chord with that. He looked broken, vulnerable, and on the brink of losing it. I asked him if he wanted to sit and talk, and thankfully he agreed. We sat in the car and spilled to each other. All of my emotion came pouring out, and he broke down and cried. It was the first time I had ever seen him be emotional and truly show his raw emotions. He is normally so solid and stoic, but for one time, I saw him at his weakest and it made him truly human. I was blown away, he needed me, he missed me, and his life was not the same without me in it.

After talking for a while, we admitted our feelings and our genuine love for one another. It was a breath of fresh air, a breath of life that had vanished from my own existence. I felt relief and hope again. I had him back. He promised to not give up on me or us. That he would fight for us because he couldn't handle NOT having me in his life. I was happy, but guarded. We went our separate ways, but I had a huge weight removed from my shoulders. I felt happy again. Work returned to "normal", and we were able to enjoy each others' company as much as possible. Unfortunately, Paul was subject to a lot of changes at work, so our relationship became a little strained at work. Not a lot of time to talk, and when we did, it didn't really go beyond work related stuff. I don't mind being supportive of his needs, especially when things go wrong at work, but I often feel like it is very one-sided. He doesn't seem to get overly concerned about issues in my life, nor does he ever ask how I'm doing. It's frustrating.

Fast forward a few more weeks, Paul's wife gets into a massive car accident, so they are reduced to using one car. No more morning phone calls and no more evening phone calls. I felt like my one reward every day was being ripped away. Although it's not easy, I'm still dealing with it... the car is supposed to be back in 2 weeks. Let the countdown begin! Texting has been reduced to a minimum because he doesn't have time (I guess), and then to make things even more complicated, his boss told him not to IM anymore at work. All forms of communication have literally been cut off. Ugh. So now our time together is limited to work, which means that I spend maybe 10 minutes a day with him. I know, I know... I should be grateful for whatever time I do receive, but going from one night a week to 10 minutes a day (if I'm lucky) is a HUGE reduction. Not something I'm happy about either.

On Friday night, I drove Paul home after a happy hour with some friends. We talked about work, and then I lost it. I apologized for getting upset and crying, but that I hadn't really had any time with him. All we do is talk about work and more work, and sometimes I just want to talk about us and our lives. I want to know what he is up to, what he is thinking, and talk about the latest events in his life. He means a lot to me! He got angry at first, but then calmed down and we were able to talk. He seemed to understand and respect what I was saying. He told me that he was sorry and would make a greater effort to be more active in our relationship. After talking, I felt A LOT better. I had been able to clear the air and let him know what I thought. He told me that I was his rock, that I made things better because of the support I provided. That made me smile. :)

We spent a little time catching up, and then I dropped him off. I had such a good time, and I felt hopeful, relieved, and happy as I drove home. I think I smiled the entire trip. Once I arrived home, I sent him a text and he sent me a very sweet one back. I was thrilled! Saturday morning came, I said good morning to Paul via text and he asked me what I was up to. I responded, and then.... nothing. I was confused. I chalked it up to cell phone malfunction since his phone had been acting up. He wasn't receiving texts, calls, emails, etc. I didn't think much of it... but I definitely missed him. It just seemed so weird. Monday morning came and I sent him my traditional "good morning" text. No response. Weird. I went over to his cube after he didn't send me an IM saying good morning. I said hello and something about him being quiet. He looked at me and made some comment about my outfit and haircut, both very nice of course, so I pressed him about not texting me over the weekend. He shrugged. I asked him, "Did you get my texts?". "Yes" he responded, so I knew right away he had ignored me. Intentionally ignored me. I felt my heart and gut sink...really? Is it that easy to put me on the backburner? To forget about me? Am I that big of a burden and a bother? I didn't know what to say. I asked if he was mad at me. Nope. Were we still ok? Yes. So then what gives? Is he ok with miniscule amounts of time throughout the week?

So here I sit on Monday night wondering what is happening to my relationship with Paul AGAIN. I don't get it. I feel like I work my ass off to keep things going, to hold out hope, to keep him happy... but it never seems like enough. Then he'll do something sweet, and I'll forget about everything. Is that what I want from my relationship? I need someone who cares about me and my well being, who constantly thinks about me, who wonders what I'm doing, who checks to make sure I get home safe every night, who spontaneously sends me "I love you" "I miss you" and "You are beautiful" texts, who finds ways to make me smile on the worst days, who can step in and hug me without being asked, who can make me feel like one in a billion, and who can love me unconditionally each and every day. I'm beginning to doubt that Paul can fill each of those for me at this point in time. His dedication to work, his family, his friends, and his various other responsibilities has pushed me so far off his radar, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even see me anymore. I feel invisible to him most days, and when he needs me, it's only to talk about work. I want more than that, but our situation prevents that. I love him very very very much, and would do anything for him. But, I have to be realistic. Is this good for me anymore? Will he eventually commit? Does he still want me? My deadline is August 30, 2012... his birthday. The first time we really spent time together. If he can't commit by then, I have to move on and find a healthier way of living. I don't want to move on without him... My feelings for him have not changed, and I can't imagine a day without him in my life...

A Trip To Hawaii

With all of the latest happenings in my life, I stopped writing about all of my crazy dates! So here goes...

When I started in my new job, I started an account at an online dating website. At first, it was fun and helped to pass the time, but after a while, I realized it wasn't what I needed. At one point, I had a young man, Ben, send me a message on the dating website. I checked out his profile and read the message, and I was not impressed. He just wasn't my type, and honestly I didn't find him very attractive at all. I ignored his message and never responded. A few days later he messaged me on Facebook. Really? How the hell did he even find me?? I was so confused... I ignored this message just like I ignored the last one. A few days later, Ben sent me another message on the sating website. Clearly this guys DOES NOT get it. I finally wrote back... one and two word answers to his questions. He ate it up. The messages kept flooding in, and my uninterested responses kept getting sent back.

Eventually on a Friday night, I asked him where he worked. I didn't check my email at all over the weekend. First thing Monday morning, I was on the phone with a vendor through work, and I started scanning over our massive internal phone list. My eyes fell straight on Ben's name. I nearly had a heart attack while on the phone with the vendor. I quickly hung up and frantically opened my email. Sure enough! He had written back and talked about how he worked in IT at the same company as myself. My jaw dropped. Is this possible? Clearly this guy is messing with me. He had to have known that I worked here. He had to have been checking up on me. I panicked. Then it dawned on me! Use the oldest excuse in the book! "Sorry, I don't date people I work with." Totally lame and I have never followed that policy (oops), but he didn't have to know that. I wrote back and explained that we work together (small world!) and what my personal work policy consists of. Take that one Mr. IT guy! He responded with "Well, I don't like your personal policy, but since you are new here, why don't we go to dinner as friends?" Damn. He got me. I reluctantly agreed.

We met up for dinner at a Mexican restaurant not far from my place. Conversation was super awkward because he kept asking me questions, but wouldn't really respond to any of mine. A very one-sided conversation to say the least. At one point, I asked him about his family. Did he have siblings? How many? What did his parents do for a living? Did he see his family very often? "Yeah I see them a lot. Especially my sister because she has a son," he said. "Aww that's cute! Is your sister older or younger than you?" "Oh she's younger, a lot younger," he responded. My head is quickly calculating all of the mental math at this point. Something wasn't making sense. "So did she have him at a really young age?" "Oh yeah. She got raped in high school," he said without even flinching. I was shocked and I'm pretty sure my jaw hit the table! WTF? Who even says that??? I couldn't find a quick way to respond or save the conversation. Epic fail.

Not long after that, I said it was time for me to leave and I excused myself from the table. He followed right on my tail and said he'd walk me to my car. I told him it wasn't necessary. He was adamant. I gave up because I was in no mood to argue with him. I begrudgingly headed to the car. Once we were there, I unlocked the door and quickly made a move to get in the car. He grabbed me and attempted to kiss me. I balked pushed away and locked myself in the car. I don't even remember saying "thank you" for dinner or anything. Shame on me. I drove away fuming. He knew how I felt and he knew my policy. Instead, he tried to "change my mind". Jackass.

For several days following our "date", Ben constantly texted me. It was nonstop. I didn't respond to a majority of the texts, and I finally stopped responding altogether. That sent him over the edge. The texts became aggressive and controlling. It was weird. I even told quite a few people about him at work, just in case I went missing. One night, I was home alone as per usual, and another text from him came through. I blew it off for a while and then finally read it. "I'm really upset with you. I had all kinds of great plans for us. Lots of things for us to try and lots of places for us to go together. I can't believe you are doing this to me." I stood in shock. Really? Crazy weirdo. I deleted the message and headed to bed. A little while later, another text came through. This one was a little more intense and a lot creepier. "That's it. I'm so disappointed in you. I had all kinds of great things for us! I even had all of the accommodations and reservations done for us to spend our one year anniversary in Hawaii together!" Holy lord. I was speechless. Crazy mother effer. I kept this message, just in case. I didn't respond at all. He left me alone for a while, but he eventually made an attempt to talk to me again. I told him that he was making me uncomfortable and that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He seemed to get the hint. I haven't had any problems with him since then, but "Captain Creepy" as we affectionately call him in the workplace, is well known and oftentimes the center of some sarcastic quips. I now know that I need to be a little more stringent in my dating preferences. Learning to say "NO" is a must!

On the EDGE...

Ever have those days where you feel like you could lose it on a moment's notice? That was me today. Hell, that has been me all week. At this point, it may actually be edging upon 2 weeks. I'm not ashamed to admit that I get upset. I can even get a bit irrational and temperamental. I'm human. The basis for the irrational/emotional/angry mess I'm in? Ohhhh where do I start?

Let's start with Paul. The most incredibly gifted, intelligent, affectionate, genuine, driven man I know. You can read my posts before this one to get a glimpse of how I feel about him. He could argue all day about conditional vs. unconditional love, but I can guarantee that until he looks me in the face and says "I don't love you," my love is genuine and only for him. Fast forward to last Thursday, we spent a little over an hour together. That time rekindled all of my feelings and hopes. It dispelled my doubts and fears. It made me SMILE. To have him hold my hand and tell me he missed me meant more than I can convey. I still hear him say "I love you". To spend time with him, just me and him, was incredible. It gave me hope.

Then came the big holiday weekend. Friday was fairly quiet, a few texts here and there. We had planned a big happy hour after work, and Paul was supposed to show up. As with my birthday, he was a no show and didn't bother texting any of us. Later in the evening I sent him a text asking why he hadn't shown up. His response? "Guess why" The usual... fight with the wife, guilt trip, and he backed down. It makes me sad that he can't take a stand. That his enjoyment in life is cut short by the woman he has decided to live with. I asked him what happened, and I got an abrasive "I don't want to talk about it." Saturday and Sunday were essentially both radio silence... no real communication which is far different than what I am used to with him. I was hurt, confused, and even angry. No "good morning" and no "goodnight". I sent him a "Good morning and Merry Christmas!" on Sunday. It was met with a less than enthusiastic response. The only response I received all day. It honestly broke my heart. I tried to let it go and enjoy the time with my family. Monday came around, and there was still no real communication. He finally asked how my Christmas had gone, what I received as gifts, and how my family was doing. All business. He seemed happier, but happy for reasons unknown to me. I made the long drive back home on Tuesday with little communication. We texted a bit, but after making a joke, he texted "OMG Stop it!". So I stopped. I sent him a text letting him know I made it home safe. His response: all business. No I missed you. No I love you. No I can't wait to see you. Nothing.

He wasn't at work on Wednesday, and the communication was limited. Anything he did text me only had to do with work. That's what we've been reduced to. Only work. I've been pressing him for information lately. To help me understand where he is, what he's thinking, and what is going on between us. He said "My lord... You're in full blown analysis mode." No shit. Our daily conversations have been reduced to dust. The time we used to spend together is now nonexistent. I dreaded coming to work on Thursday. The kind of dread that gives you a headache, makes you want to throw up, and kills your appetite. No good morning as per usual. I toughed it out. It's an understatement to say that hearing his voice and not being the center of his world kills me. I want that back so badly. I think about it and him all the time. Work was busy, so it helped to keep my mind off of things. We instant messaged each other quite a bit... lots of jokes and sarcasm. I felt like if I could laugh, it would help. If I could make him laugh, he'd see what he's missing. It seemed to work at first. Then he said "I miss the cocky _____" (You can fill in the blank with my name). I lost it. Absolutely lost it. I blew up and got upset. I just started ranting about how pissed I am. How alone I feel. That was like an automatic shutoff. He stopped talking. I apologized for the blowup. It wasn't like me. I didn't apologize for what I said. I feel the way I feel for a reason. He seemed ok after that, but there is one HUGE divide between us. Things are so different between us now.

So now I'm at home... we start texting. All business. Nothing personal. Nothing loving. It's awful. I asked him lots of questions... work, personal, family, etc. Short answers. I asked him about he and his wife. "We're good." Really? Not what I wanted to hear. I pushed harder. Complete shutdown. So I sit now in silence wondering how over the course of 4 months, my life went from loving and clear to confusing and distant. I hate what has happened. If I could change it, I would. He always said that he would tell me if things changed. He would be straightforward with me. I think he lied. I think he knows that if he told me the truth, I'd be devastated. She instead he pushes me further and further away until I arrive at a decision on my own. That way there is no guilt and no confrontation. He said he loved me a week ago. Is it possible that it can fade that quickly? What have I done? What have I not done? How can you be content with a woman who does nothing but destroy your life? Is that what you really want out of your existence?

I'm at the point now where I'm trying to make decisions about my own health and sanity. I've fought for SO long for him. I've battled impossible odds to keep us together. I continually give and give and give until I have little to nothing for myself. I've been patient, supportive, loving, forgiving, and a good listener. I don't think any other person would do that for him. I do it because there is a genuine love for him in my heart. He used to keep me going by reminding me that the divorce would happen in January. "Only a few more months." I started a countdown as a joke at one point. I swore I'd never let a man dictate my feelings and emotions. That I'm better and stronger than that. That happiness isn't dependent upon a male in my life. Somehow he broke all of those rules. Somehow I fell victim to the things I always tried to avoid. I'm a foreigner to myself at this point. I'm so confused by his recent behavior. He puts up all kinds of walls, is unusually quiet, and avoids any "difficult" questions. We used to talk for hours. He used to tell me that he never opened up to anyone like he opened up to me. WTF happened? What changed? I'm still me and I miss our talks. Now when I try to talk, he balks and firmly tells me I'm overanalyzing things. Really? Ok maybe I overanalyze a little. I'm inquisitive and blunt... I don't do well with open-ended BS. Be straight with me. Tell me how you feel.

I miss our talks.
I miss our lunch outings.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss seeing him smile at me.
I miss making him laugh.
I miss our inside jokes.
I miss our downtime.
I miss my good morning messages.
I miss being told goodnight.
I miss getting a call on the way home from work.
I miss getting a surprise call on the way to work.
I miss being called beautiful.
I miss making plans.
I miss the texts that would bring a smile to my face.
I miss the car rides.
I miss his support.
I miss the openness between us.
I miss being able to know exactly what he was thinking.
I miss our intelligent conversations.
I miss surprising him.
I miss his genuine concern for my well-being.
I miss our cooking sessions.
I miss discovering new things about him.
I miss learning new things from him.
I miss opening my door and seeing his smiling face.
I miss everything...

As sad as it is to say, he is the ONLY person I have EVER felt this way about. Don't get me wrong, there have been lots of dates and boyfriends, but he is the only one to have had this profound of an effect on me. It still blows my mind. I wish I could find him again. I wish I could bring him back. I wish I could make him see how good things are. Until then, I have to take one day at a time and slowly heal. I have to get back to the confident and independent woman I was before. I don't want to spend my life alone, but I don't want to spend my days chasing someone who doesn't love me as much as they should. I know I am perfect for him in more ways than one. Now I only hope that he sees it. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that I will have to deal with the fact that he will choose her over me... out of convenience. Life isn't easy, but I never knew it would be this difficult.

On top of it all, everyone's lives seem to be moving on except for mine. Marty is getting a new job, far awway from me. Bel is still in Michigan, even farther from me. She'll be getting married soon. Lance and I are completely finished, barely friends at this point. Evelyn is dating a new guy, and she barely has time for me. Kristy and I rarely speak, no matter how hard I try. I feel like my world is crumbling, and I don't have enough hands to catch it all. Maybe it's time to see a counselor again. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I love going actually. Nice to have an uninvolved neutral source tell you how effing crazy you are! We shall see... It is a new year soon. Resolutions are meant to be made, partially followed, and eventually broken :)

"Promise me you'll always REMEMBER: you're BRAVER than you BELIEVE, and STRONGER than you SEEM, and SMARTER than you THINK." --Christopher Robin

Another Date Fail

At the mercy of many of my friends, I agreed to a date. It's been months since I've ventured back out into the dating world for fear of many of my past blog posts repeating themselves. This one was different. With the encouragement of friends, and the kind reminders about not wanting to be 40 years old in a rocking chair surrounded by 80 cats (each with individual names of course!), I heeded their advice and agreed to take the waiter's number. Yeah, I said it. He was our waiter at my birthday dinner. He was different, not my type. He was over 30, no kids, college educated, sarcastic, and had a job. Definite positives! On the other hand, he was thin, a big drinker, a heavy smoker, and was "on leave" from his "real" job. Definite negatives. Against my own gut, I agreed to take his number... and MAYBE text him.

I quickly texted him a sparse response, encouraging him to have a good weekend. He seemed to brush it off, which was an initial red flag. Friday turned into Saturday, and I didn't hear anything from him. I sent a text hoping for a response. Instead, I received a battery of one word answers and short phrases that were supposed to hold some substantial meaning in response to my questions. His "substantial meanings" were lost to me. Obviously, I became irritated, and I decided it was in my best interest to throw this fish back before I said or did something that was considered unacceptable. Second red flag.

Sunday arrived, and halfway through the afternoon, he texted me. I was shocked, but I quickly realized that he was grasping for something. He knew I was going to leave and not give him a chance. He bullshitted via text for quite a while, so I finally called his bluff. "Is this your unassertive way of asking me on a date?" I can imagine the deer in headlights look, the shock, and the stammering answer that somehow was formulated into a coherent text. "No I think we should hang out." I shot back, "ok when? I'm free this evening... what do you have going on?" The pressure was on him. I clearly don't do well with the open-ended BS that seems to be acceptable in today's society. I'm more of a straightforward, direct answers kind of person. After a lengthy delay, "I'm in my pajamas watching movies." Classic. Men, if you have an attractive woman (even halfway attractive), who is interested in a date, your pajamas and movies can take a backseat. Just an FYI. I asked, "Ok... some other night?" To my surprise, the response surprised me, "Well we can hang out. Want me to come to your place?" I think I actually may have laughed at this one. A responded with a resounding, "uhhhh NO. I don't exactly feel comfortable with you knowing where I live. How about we meet somewhere halfway?" Keep it neutral and safe. I can't have another wacko learning TOO much about me. "Why don't you just come over to my place." Really? ugh. Not the answer I was hoping for. Reluctantly I agreed. Not that you can ever grasp emotion and feeling via a text, but he clearly did. "If you don't want to come, it's ok. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I already ate dinner tho so can we just have drinks?" Awesome. I whipped back the best response I had, "I'll come over as long as you don't give me a reason to bust out my self-defense moves and totally kick your ass." I got a laugh and the address. Perfect.

After passing the address along to a couple friends, I headed out to a sketchy part of town. I got lost attempting to find his place, and had to call him for help. Upon arrival, I headed upstairs to his apartment and pushed open the door to find...

A ONE MAN FRATERNITY HOUSE
beer bottles.
beer caps.
6 ashtrays with ash and butts forming mountains.
mismatched furniture.
dirty furniture.
posters of naked women.
bottles of alcohol.
dirt and filth.
internet printouts of boobs and v-jays taped all over the fridge.
dirty dishes.
sheets for curtains.
genuine disorder.

I was dumbfounded. Could this possibly be the abode of a 32 year old? Am I getting punked? I didn't even take my coat off. I slid onto the very edge of the couch in attempt to avoid touching as much filth as possible. "Want something to drink?" I shook my head. I was afraid of he cleanliness of his glasses, as well as his intentions if I were to start drinking. I figured I better cut my loses and stay sober. He poured himself a vodka on the rocks. It's a Sunday night. Alcoholic. I brushed it off and focused my attention on the room. My eyes landed on the coffee table in front of me. Completely sanded down to the wood, the table had become the yearbook of the apartment. A pile of markers lay nearby so that his friends could all draw graphic images and write inappropriate comments. My mind was reeling. Is this all for real? My eyes traveled around the table, taking in image after image until they hit a black box. A black electronic box. I heard myself gasp as I realized the severity of that box. This date could now take an ugly turn. I turned, mouth agape, to face my date. I managed to stammer out, "Why... Why do... Why do you have a taser?!" I think my voice may have even peaked at that point. He grinned and said, "Just in case I made you uncomfortable." Seriously? Every muscle in my body screamed "RUN!" I held on tight and repeated myself. "Why do you have a taser?"

The lightbulb finally turned on. "Oh! Well, my buddies have this awesome rock band, and I go to all of their concerts. One night, I was really wasted and I tried climbing on stage. The security guard didn't know who I was, so he pulled out a taser, threatened me, and then used it. To everyone's surprise, it didn't really effect me, so I kept going and he kept hocking me. My buddies finally helped me out, but I eventually became an opening act for them. I would come up on stage and get shocked all the time. They gave me the taser as a gift. Unfortunately, the shocking didn't last real long before the crowd wanted something else. We decided to have the guys shoot me with a staple gun. Let me tell you, those staples are a bitch to pull out the next morning!" I'm pretty sure the conversation killed out 50 of my brain cells. The stupidity blew my mind. Panic set in. I had to get out before it got any worse. Luckily, his mom called and he answered the phone. In a split second, I grabbed my phone and frantically texted Marty. "OMG Get me out of here!!! Call me in a few minutes with the BEST excuse you can come up with!" I prayed that Marty would see it in time. Without missing a moment, Marty called with an amazing excuse, "My car broke down in this horrible neighborhood! I need you to come and get me, it's not safe here. No one else will pick up! Please help!" I grew frantic, pulled on my gloves, apologized for leaving so soon, and bolted out of that apartment. My date didn't seem surprised.

I quickly rehashed the entire story to Marty who, between bouts of pure laughter, apologized for encouraging the date. He saved my butt regardless, so there is no part of me that is upset or mad. After all, it makes a great addition to my blog. :)

A Turn Around

Today seemed to mark a point in which Paul and I were able to talk. Honestly talk.

He called me. I was beyond excited. We talked for over an hour, between the bullshitting, laughing, and some serious moment... we didn't get a lot resolved. Essentially I'm still confused. Terribly confused actually. He gives me so many glimmers of hope, and then destroys them with his own insecurity and confusion. He says things such as, "When we're together." or "I'll remember that for the future when you bring something up." He clearly wants me. He clearly has feelings. He clearly has emotions that are tied to me. Unfortunately, the feelings and emotions towards me are all mixed up in a giant pot that also houses his distressed and discomforted feelings towards family, extended family, friends, and work. It's got to be hard to strain out the good from the bad when there is that much in the pot. It's not impossible, just daunting.

Although I honestly love Paul, he has one personality quirk that drives me crazy. If you can't tell, I'm very straightforward and honest, so is Paul. The difference is that I have no problem being confronted or confronting others. Paul on the other hand is flighty when the spotlight is turned on him. He balks and runs, or creates some inopportune joke or witty remark. Funny nonetheless, but damnit, sometimes I just need my answers. Today was a CLASSIC example. I spent my time on the phone cheering him up (as per usual), complimenting him (he's very handsome), and laughing with him about silly things (he's also very funny), but this was all interspersed with some serious questions. Things that would give me insight, hope, confidence, and the ability to press on in the face of everything that is happening. Instead, my questions are avoided, I end up more confused, and I have to keep finding the inner well of confidence and strength to keep going. I know the questions are tough. I know he may not have the answers. Regardless, can't he give me something? Can't he see that I need his support too? This is inhibiting me as well! Sometimes I need a boost, a hug, or a compliment. Maybe this is rhetorical, but, shouldn't he know if he loves me or not? Shouldn't he already know if he wants to be with me? Shouldn't he already see that his marriage is a disaster and that his talents and knowledge are being squandered on someone who doesn't see them, let alone appreciate them?

All in all, there is more in this situation than meets the eye. There are things that I will never understand or grasp, but I do know what happiness, love, affection, and LIVING really are. His growth in those areas seems to be stunted by his current predicament. If I could ask him 3 questions and get honest answers, I would ask:

When are you getting divorced?
Will we ever be together?
When will I get to hang out with you again?

I doubt I will ever get answers, but it's nice to get it out in writing. I'm terribly afraid of what the answers will be. I'm afraid that my love for him will never be enough to change his mind. I know many of you reading this would automatically say: "Then you need to find someone else who will appreciate you." The truth is that he does appreciate me, his situation just makes it difficult. For the first time in my life, I'm being an optimist. I'm pushing my boundaries and willing myself to see hope, good, and potential in all things. I need him to trust me. I need him to see the good and feel the love that is readily available for him. He is by far the most incredible man I have EVER dated. The combination of his intelligence, wit, sarcasm, affection, love, integrity, strength, drive, motivation, and dedication is unlike anything I have ever witnessed. I will NEVER find anyone like him again. That is what scares me. Sometimes I wish I was 10 years older, and I had met him before his wife. He deserves better, and he knows it.

When we talked, he said something that made me nearly cry.
"On the surface, I want to tell you it's not worth it, to give up. But deep down in my heart, a small voice screams, 'Don't leave!'"
That statement alone gives me fuel to keep fighting, to keep hoping. It shows that he is worried about how long this will take and the emotional and mental ramifications it may have on me. Deep down he yearns for my affection, a closeness to me, and a relationship. He only wants to see me happy. I get that. At the end of the day, the idea of losing him is far more painful and cringe inducing than just needing to have space for a bit. Although that aspect isn't enjoyable either, it gives things a temporary feel. A light at the end of the tunnel. Time will tell. I just hope that he doesn't sell himself short. That he doesn't commit to a life of monotony and ignorance because it's "easier". At some point, one has to stand up for oneself. We have ONE amazing life, and there is absolutely NO sense in being miserable. Take a deep breath, grab the reins, and fight for the things that matter.

Understanding

It's official. The line has been drawn. I'm not sure whether it is permanent or temporary, but there is clearly a line.

I finally talked to Paul. It's always refreshing to hear his voice. Reassuring actually. I enjoy those moments when we talk. Life is easier because the communication is open, honest, blunt, and has plenty of sarcasm. It's funny, out of everything we have done together, the communication is one of the things I miss the most right now. Anyways, we talked. It wasn't the result I was hoping to get, but it could have been far worse of an outcome. Basically, Paul needs space and a lot of it. He feels a lot of pressure from me and our situation. I get that. I don't like feeling like I put more pressure on him than work, his family, his friends, and his marriage. I thought I was a GOOD thing, not a problem to be pushed aside until he can work everything out. Unfortunately, now that doesn't matter. The situation is what it is. He said he still wants me and loves me but is being terribly unfair to his family and marriage. I get that. So the general consensus is that I have to wait until the dust settles and the sky clears. I can wait, but my fear of him changing his mind is now more of a reality. I'm worried we're heading down a dead end road in which I already know what happens: we run out of pavement. I don't want that, and I dread the day he looks me in the face and tells me that he can't divorce her. My heart will be crushed. So what do I do? Commit to another 45+ days of wondering and waiting? Do I move on? I'm beyond confused, and I'm sure my writing conveys that.

I asked him to clarify our situation. What are we? No real answer. Can we still talk? Can we still have phone calls? Can we text? Yes and no. It's hard being in love with someone and not be able to reach out to them when they need it most. I would give nearly ANYTHING to have him just hold me right now. To tell me I'm still amazing and beautiful. To just hug me and remind me of why I can wait this one out. He's in a tough and stressful spot, and it is a horrible feeling to watch him suffer in silence.

So after his decision, I've tried my hardest to not text or call him. It's impossible. I've texted him twice without receiving a response. No more phone calls. And work? ugh. I see him and I just want to hug him and break down. Instead, I act as if life is grand, slap a smile on my face, and carry out the daily motions so no one will notice. It's not natural for me. I want to tell him how much I love him. How much he means to me. How handsome he looks every day! I know none of it will matter. None of it will change the situation for now. So do I keep doing it? Or do I let go and be silent? It's an interesting feeling being at the top, at his side essentially, and within days, falling to a rank that (at this point) seems somewhere below a friend. It's weird. The no texting and no calls seems so silly... friends do that! Dinner out together? Friends do that too. Complimenting? Friends do that too. Long talks and hugs on bad days? My friends definitely do that. I guess the whole "marriage" title throws a wrench in there though. It complicates things. Having never been married, I guess it's not entirely fair of me to judge the topic.

For now, I have no choice but to continue waiting in silence. I hate that my needs come second now. It's so hard. I spend 95% of my day thinking about him, what he's doing, where he is, if he's happy, if work is going well for him, etc. But I worry that that feeling isn't reciprocated. The hardest part is staring at my phone, willing him to text me. To give me something. Then when a text comes through, I get really excited and then realize it's not from him. Fail. My goal for now is to be stronger in mind and body. To know that if this is meant to happen, it will happen. In the end, I tell myself, it will all be worth it. I hope I'm right.

"One must fulfill one's mission without timidity or dissimulation, for to be well done, the work must be done unselfishly." --S&H 483:30-32