Ever have those days where you feel like you could lose it on a moment's notice? That was me today. Hell, that has been me all week. At this point, it may actually be edging upon 2 weeks. I'm not ashamed to admit that I get upset. I can even get a bit irrational and temperamental. I'm human. The basis for the irrational/emotional/angry mess I'm in? Ohhhh where do I start?
Let's start with Paul. The most incredibly gifted, intelligent, affectionate, genuine, driven man I know. You can read my posts before this one to get a glimpse of how I feel about him. He could argue all day about conditional vs. unconditional love, but I can guarantee that until he looks me in the face and says "I don't love you," my love is genuine and only for him. Fast forward to last Thursday, we spent a little over an hour together. That time rekindled all of my feelings and hopes. It dispelled my doubts and fears. It made me SMILE. To have him hold my hand and tell me he missed me meant more than I can convey. I still hear him say "I love you". To spend time with him, just me and him, was incredible. It gave me hope.
Then came the big holiday weekend. Friday was fairly quiet, a few texts here and there. We had planned a big happy hour after work, and Paul was supposed to show up. As with my birthday, he was a no show and didn't bother texting any of us. Later in the evening I sent him a text asking why he hadn't shown up. His response? "Guess why" The usual... fight with the wife, guilt trip, and he backed down. It makes me sad that he can't take a stand. That his enjoyment in life is cut short by the woman he has decided to live with. I asked him what happened, and I got an abrasive "I don't want to talk about it." Saturday and Sunday were essentially both radio silence... no real communication which is far different than what I am used to with him. I was hurt, confused, and even angry. No "good morning" and no "goodnight". I sent him a "Good morning and Merry Christmas!" on Sunday. It was met with a less than enthusiastic response. The only response I received all day. It honestly broke my heart. I tried to let it go and enjoy the time with my family. Monday came around, and there was still no real communication. He finally asked how my Christmas had gone, what I received as gifts, and how my family was doing. All business. He seemed happier, but happy for reasons unknown to me. I made the long drive back home on Tuesday with little communication. We texted a bit, but after making a joke, he texted "OMG Stop it!". So I stopped. I sent him a text letting him know I made it home safe. His response: all business. No I missed you. No I love you. No I can't wait to see you. Nothing.
He wasn't at work on Wednesday, and the communication was limited. Anything he did text me only had to do with work. That's what we've been reduced to. Only work. I've been pressing him for information lately. To help me understand where he is, what he's thinking, and what is going on between us. He said "My lord... You're in full blown analysis mode." No shit. Our daily conversations have been reduced to dust. The time we used to spend together is now nonexistent. I dreaded coming to work on Thursday. The kind of dread that gives you a headache, makes you want to throw up, and kills your appetite. No good morning as per usual. I toughed it out. It's an understatement to say that hearing his voice and not being the center of his world kills me. I want that back so badly. I think about it and him all the time. Work was busy, so it helped to keep my mind off of things. We instant messaged each other quite a bit... lots of jokes and sarcasm. I felt like if I could laugh, it would help. If I could make him laugh, he'd see what he's missing. It seemed to work at first. Then he said "I miss the cocky _____" (You can fill in the blank with my name). I lost it. Absolutely lost it. I blew up and got upset. I just started ranting about how pissed I am. How alone I feel. That was like an automatic shutoff. He stopped talking. I apologized for the blowup. It wasn't like me. I didn't apologize for what I said. I feel the way I feel for a reason. He seemed ok after that, but there is one HUGE divide between us. Things are so different between us now.
So now I'm at home... we start texting. All business. Nothing personal. Nothing loving. It's awful. I asked him lots of questions... work, personal, family, etc. Short answers. I asked him about he and his wife. "We're good." Really? Not what I wanted to hear. I pushed harder. Complete shutdown. So I sit now in silence wondering how over the course of 4 months, my life went from loving and clear to confusing and distant. I hate what has happened. If I could change it, I would. He always said that he would tell me if things changed. He would be straightforward with me. I think he lied. I think he knows that if he told me the truth, I'd be devastated. She instead he pushes me further and further away until I arrive at a decision on my own. That way there is no guilt and no confrontation. He said he loved me a week ago. Is it possible that it can fade that quickly? What have I done? What have I not done? How can you be content with a woman who does nothing but destroy your life? Is that what you really want out of your existence?
I'm at the point now where I'm trying to make decisions about my own health and sanity. I've fought for SO long for him. I've battled impossible odds to keep us together. I continually give and give and give until I have little to nothing for myself. I've been patient, supportive, loving, forgiving, and a good listener. I don't think any other person would do that for him. I do it because there is a genuine love for him in my heart. He used to keep me going by reminding me that the divorce would happen in January. "Only a few more months." I started a countdown as a joke at one point. I swore I'd never let a man dictate my feelings and emotions. That I'm better and stronger than that. That happiness isn't dependent upon a male in my life. Somehow he broke all of those rules. Somehow I fell victim to the things I always tried to avoid. I'm a foreigner to myself at this point. I'm so confused by his recent behavior. He puts up all kinds of walls, is unusually quiet, and avoids any "difficult" questions. We used to talk for hours. He used to tell me that he never opened up to anyone like he opened up to me. WTF happened? What changed? I'm still me and I miss our talks. Now when I try to talk, he balks and firmly tells me I'm overanalyzing things. Really? Ok maybe I overanalyze a little. I'm inquisitive and blunt... I don't do well with open-ended BS. Be straight with me. Tell me how you feel.
I miss our talks.
I miss our lunch outings.
I miss holding his hand.
I miss seeing him smile at me.
I miss making him laugh.
I miss our inside jokes.
I miss our downtime.
I miss my good morning messages.
I miss being told goodnight.
I miss getting a call on the way home from work.
I miss getting a surprise call on the way to work.
I miss being called beautiful.
I miss making plans.
I miss the texts that would bring a smile to my face.
I miss the car rides.
I miss his support.
I miss the openness between us.
I miss being able to know exactly what he was thinking.
I miss our intelligent conversations.
I miss surprising him.
I miss his genuine concern for my well-being.
I miss our cooking sessions.
I miss discovering new things about him.
I miss learning new things from him.
I miss opening my door and seeing his smiling face.
I miss everything...
As sad as it is to say, he is the ONLY person I have EVER felt this way about. Don't get me wrong, there have been lots of dates and boyfriends, but he is the only one to have had this profound of an effect on me. It still blows my mind. I wish I could find him again. I wish I could bring him back. I wish I could make him see how good things are. Until then, I have to take one day at a time and slowly heal. I have to get back to the confident and independent woman I was before. I don't want to spend my life alone, but I don't want to spend my days chasing someone who doesn't love me as much as they should. I know I am perfect for him in more ways than one. Now I only hope that he sees it. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that I will have to deal with the fact that he will choose her over me... out of convenience. Life isn't easy, but I never knew it would be this difficult.
On top of it all, everyone's lives seem to be moving on except for mine. Marty is getting a new job, far awway from me. Bel is still in Michigan, even farther from me. She'll be getting married soon. Lance and I are completely finished, barely friends at this point. Evelyn is dating a new guy, and she barely has time for me. Kristy and I rarely speak, no matter how hard I try. I feel like my world is crumbling, and I don't have enough hands to catch it all. Maybe it's time to see a counselor again. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I love going actually. Nice to have an uninvolved neutral source tell you how effing crazy you are! We shall see... It is a new year soon. Resolutions are meant to be made, partially followed, and eventually broken :)
"Promise me you'll always REMEMBER: you're BRAVER than you BELIEVE, and STRONGER than you SEEM, and SMARTER than you THINK." --Christopher Robin
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Another Date Fail
At the mercy of many of my friends, I agreed to a date. It's been months since I've ventured back out into the dating world for fear of many of my past blog posts repeating themselves. This one was different. With the encouragement of friends, and the kind reminders about not wanting to be 40 years old in a rocking chair surrounded by 80 cats (each with individual names of course!), I heeded their advice and agreed to take the waiter's number. Yeah, I said it. He was our waiter at my birthday dinner. He was different, not my type. He was over 30, no kids, college educated, sarcastic, and had a job. Definite positives! On the other hand, he was thin, a big drinker, a heavy smoker, and was "on leave" from his "real" job. Definite negatives. Against my own gut, I agreed to take his number... and MAYBE text him.
I quickly texted him a sparse response, encouraging him to have a good weekend. He seemed to brush it off, which was an initial red flag. Friday turned into Saturday, and I didn't hear anything from him. I sent a text hoping for a response. Instead, I received a battery of one word answers and short phrases that were supposed to hold some substantial meaning in response to my questions. His "substantial meanings" were lost to me. Obviously, I became irritated, and I decided it was in my best interest to throw this fish back before I said or did something that was considered unacceptable. Second red flag.
Sunday arrived, and halfway through the afternoon, he texted me. I was shocked, but I quickly realized that he was grasping for something. He knew I was going to leave and not give him a chance. He bullshitted via text for quite a while, so I finally called his bluff. "Is this your unassertive way of asking me on a date?" I can imagine the deer in headlights look, the shock, and the stammering answer that somehow was formulated into a coherent text. "No I think we should hang out." I shot back, "ok when? I'm free this evening... what do you have going on?" The pressure was on him. I clearly don't do well with the open-ended BS that seems to be acceptable in today's society. I'm more of a straightforward, direct answers kind of person. After a lengthy delay, "I'm in my pajamas watching movies." Classic. Men, if you have an attractive woman (even halfway attractive), who is interested in a date, your pajamas and movies can take a backseat. Just an FYI. I asked, "Ok... some other night?" To my surprise, the response surprised me, "Well we can hang out. Want me to come to your place?" I think I actually may have laughed at this one. A responded with a resounding, "uhhhh NO. I don't exactly feel comfortable with you knowing where I live. How about we meet somewhere halfway?" Keep it neutral and safe. I can't have another wacko learning TOO much about me. "Why don't you just come over to my place." Really? ugh. Not the answer I was hoping for. Reluctantly I agreed. Not that you can ever grasp emotion and feeling via a text, but he clearly did. "If you don't want to come, it's ok. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I already ate dinner tho so can we just have drinks?" Awesome. I whipped back the best response I had, "I'll come over as long as you don't give me a reason to bust out my self-defense moves and totally kick your ass." I got a laugh and the address. Perfect.
After passing the address along to a couple friends, I headed out to a sketchy part of town. I got lost attempting to find his place, and had to call him for help. Upon arrival, I headed upstairs to his apartment and pushed open the door to find...
A ONE MAN FRATERNITY HOUSE
beer bottles.
beer caps.
6 ashtrays with ash and butts forming mountains.
mismatched furniture.
dirty furniture.
posters of naked women.
bottles of alcohol.
dirt and filth.
internet printouts of boobs and v-jays taped all over the fridge.
dirty dishes.
sheets for curtains.
genuine disorder.
I was dumbfounded. Could this possibly be the abode of a 32 year old? Am I getting punked? I didn't even take my coat off. I slid onto the very edge of the couch in attempt to avoid touching as much filth as possible. "Want something to drink?" I shook my head. I was afraid of he cleanliness of his glasses, as well as his intentions if I were to start drinking. I figured I better cut my loses and stay sober. He poured himself a vodka on the rocks. It's a Sunday night. Alcoholic. I brushed it off and focused my attention on the room. My eyes landed on the coffee table in front of me. Completely sanded down to the wood, the table had become the yearbook of the apartment. A pile of markers lay nearby so that his friends could all draw graphic images and write inappropriate comments. My mind was reeling. Is this all for real? My eyes traveled around the table, taking in image after image until they hit a black box. A black electronic box. I heard myself gasp as I realized the severity of that box. This date could now take an ugly turn. I turned, mouth agape, to face my date. I managed to stammer out, "Why... Why do... Why do you have a taser?!" I think my voice may have even peaked at that point. He grinned and said, "Just in case I made you uncomfortable." Seriously? Every muscle in my body screamed "RUN!" I held on tight and repeated myself. "Why do you have a taser?"
The lightbulb finally turned on. "Oh! Well, my buddies have this awesome rock band, and I go to all of their concerts. One night, I was really wasted and I tried climbing on stage. The security guard didn't know who I was, so he pulled out a taser, threatened me, and then used it. To everyone's surprise, it didn't really effect me, so I kept going and he kept hocking me. My buddies finally helped me out, but I eventually became an opening act for them. I would come up on stage and get shocked all the time. They gave me the taser as a gift. Unfortunately, the shocking didn't last real long before the crowd wanted something else. We decided to have the guys shoot me with a staple gun. Let me tell you, those staples are a bitch to pull out the next morning!" I'm pretty sure the conversation killed out 50 of my brain cells. The stupidity blew my mind. Panic set in. I had to get out before it got any worse. Luckily, his mom called and he answered the phone. In a split second, I grabbed my phone and frantically texted Marty. "OMG Get me out of here!!! Call me in a few minutes with the BEST excuse you can come up with!" I prayed that Marty would see it in time. Without missing a moment, Marty called with an amazing excuse, "My car broke down in this horrible neighborhood! I need you to come and get me, it's not safe here. No one else will pick up! Please help!" I grew frantic, pulled on my gloves, apologized for leaving so soon, and bolted out of that apartment. My date didn't seem surprised.
I quickly rehashed the entire story to Marty who, between bouts of pure laughter, apologized for encouraging the date. He saved my butt regardless, so there is no part of me that is upset or mad. After all, it makes a great addition to my blog. :)
I quickly texted him a sparse response, encouraging him to have a good weekend. He seemed to brush it off, which was an initial red flag. Friday turned into Saturday, and I didn't hear anything from him. I sent a text hoping for a response. Instead, I received a battery of one word answers and short phrases that were supposed to hold some substantial meaning in response to my questions. His "substantial meanings" were lost to me. Obviously, I became irritated, and I decided it was in my best interest to throw this fish back before I said or did something that was considered unacceptable. Second red flag.
Sunday arrived, and halfway through the afternoon, he texted me. I was shocked, but I quickly realized that he was grasping for something. He knew I was going to leave and not give him a chance. He bullshitted via text for quite a while, so I finally called his bluff. "Is this your unassertive way of asking me on a date?" I can imagine the deer in headlights look, the shock, and the stammering answer that somehow was formulated into a coherent text. "No I think we should hang out." I shot back, "ok when? I'm free this evening... what do you have going on?" The pressure was on him. I clearly don't do well with the open-ended BS that seems to be acceptable in today's society. I'm more of a straightforward, direct answers kind of person. After a lengthy delay, "I'm in my pajamas watching movies." Classic. Men, if you have an attractive woman (even halfway attractive), who is interested in a date, your pajamas and movies can take a backseat. Just an FYI. I asked, "Ok... some other night?" To my surprise, the response surprised me, "Well we can hang out. Want me to come to your place?" I think I actually may have laughed at this one. A responded with a resounding, "uhhhh NO. I don't exactly feel comfortable with you knowing where I live. How about we meet somewhere halfway?" Keep it neutral and safe. I can't have another wacko learning TOO much about me. "Why don't you just come over to my place." Really? ugh. Not the answer I was hoping for. Reluctantly I agreed. Not that you can ever grasp emotion and feeling via a text, but he clearly did. "If you don't want to come, it's ok. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I already ate dinner tho so can we just have drinks?" Awesome. I whipped back the best response I had, "I'll come over as long as you don't give me a reason to bust out my self-defense moves and totally kick your ass." I got a laugh and the address. Perfect.
After passing the address along to a couple friends, I headed out to a sketchy part of town. I got lost attempting to find his place, and had to call him for help. Upon arrival, I headed upstairs to his apartment and pushed open the door to find...
A ONE MAN FRATERNITY HOUSE
beer bottles.
beer caps.
6 ashtrays with ash and butts forming mountains.
mismatched furniture.
dirty furniture.
posters of naked women.
bottles of alcohol.
dirt and filth.
internet printouts of boobs and v-jays taped all over the fridge.
dirty dishes.
sheets for curtains.
genuine disorder.
I was dumbfounded. Could this possibly be the abode of a 32 year old? Am I getting punked? I didn't even take my coat off. I slid onto the very edge of the couch in attempt to avoid touching as much filth as possible. "Want something to drink?" I shook my head. I was afraid of he cleanliness of his glasses, as well as his intentions if I were to start drinking. I figured I better cut my loses and stay sober. He poured himself a vodka on the rocks. It's a Sunday night. Alcoholic. I brushed it off and focused my attention on the room. My eyes landed on the coffee table in front of me. Completely sanded down to the wood, the table had become the yearbook of the apartment. A pile of markers lay nearby so that his friends could all draw graphic images and write inappropriate comments. My mind was reeling. Is this all for real? My eyes traveled around the table, taking in image after image until they hit a black box. A black electronic box. I heard myself gasp as I realized the severity of that box. This date could now take an ugly turn. I turned, mouth agape, to face my date. I managed to stammer out, "Why... Why do... Why do you have a taser?!" I think my voice may have even peaked at that point. He grinned and said, "Just in case I made you uncomfortable." Seriously? Every muscle in my body screamed "RUN!" I held on tight and repeated myself. "Why do you have a taser?"
The lightbulb finally turned on. "Oh! Well, my buddies have this awesome rock band, and I go to all of their concerts. One night, I was really wasted and I tried climbing on stage. The security guard didn't know who I was, so he pulled out a taser, threatened me, and then used it. To everyone's surprise, it didn't really effect me, so I kept going and he kept hocking me. My buddies finally helped me out, but I eventually became an opening act for them. I would come up on stage and get shocked all the time. They gave me the taser as a gift. Unfortunately, the shocking didn't last real long before the crowd wanted something else. We decided to have the guys shoot me with a staple gun. Let me tell you, those staples are a bitch to pull out the next morning!" I'm pretty sure the conversation killed out 50 of my brain cells. The stupidity blew my mind. Panic set in. I had to get out before it got any worse. Luckily, his mom called and he answered the phone. In a split second, I grabbed my phone and frantically texted Marty. "OMG Get me out of here!!! Call me in a few minutes with the BEST excuse you can come up with!" I prayed that Marty would see it in time. Without missing a moment, Marty called with an amazing excuse, "My car broke down in this horrible neighborhood! I need you to come and get me, it's not safe here. No one else will pick up! Please help!" I grew frantic, pulled on my gloves, apologized for leaving so soon, and bolted out of that apartment. My date didn't seem surprised.
I quickly rehashed the entire story to Marty who, between bouts of pure laughter, apologized for encouraging the date. He saved my butt regardless, so there is no part of me that is upset or mad. After all, it makes a great addition to my blog. :)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A Turn Around
Today seemed to mark a point in which Paul and I were able to talk. Honestly talk.
He called me. I was beyond excited. We talked for over an hour, between the bullshitting, laughing, and some serious moment... we didn't get a lot resolved. Essentially I'm still confused. Terribly confused actually. He gives me so many glimmers of hope, and then destroys them with his own insecurity and confusion. He says things such as, "When we're together." or "I'll remember that for the future when you bring something up." He clearly wants me. He clearly has feelings. He clearly has emotions that are tied to me. Unfortunately, the feelings and emotions towards me are all mixed up in a giant pot that also houses his distressed and discomforted feelings towards family, extended family, friends, and work. It's got to be hard to strain out the good from the bad when there is that much in the pot. It's not impossible, just daunting.
Although I honestly love Paul, he has one personality quirk that drives me crazy. If you can't tell, I'm very straightforward and honest, so is Paul. The difference is that I have no problem being confronted or confronting others. Paul on the other hand is flighty when the spotlight is turned on him. He balks and runs, or creates some inopportune joke or witty remark. Funny nonetheless, but damnit, sometimes I just need my answers. Today was a CLASSIC example. I spent my time on the phone cheering him up (as per usual), complimenting him (he's very handsome), and laughing with him about silly things (he's also very funny), but this was all interspersed with some serious questions. Things that would give me insight, hope, confidence, and the ability to press on in the face of everything that is happening. Instead, my questions are avoided, I end up more confused, and I have to keep finding the inner well of confidence and strength to keep going. I know the questions are tough. I know he may not have the answers. Regardless, can't he give me something? Can't he see that I need his support too? This is inhibiting me as well! Sometimes I need a boost, a hug, or a compliment. Maybe this is rhetorical, but, shouldn't he know if he loves me or not? Shouldn't he already know if he wants to be with me? Shouldn't he already see that his marriage is a disaster and that his talents and knowledge are being squandered on someone who doesn't see them, let alone appreciate them?
All in all, there is more in this situation than meets the eye. There are things that I will never understand or grasp, but I do know what happiness, love, affection, and LIVING really are. His growth in those areas seems to be stunted by his current predicament. If I could ask him 3 questions and get honest answers, I would ask:
When are you getting divorced?
Will we ever be together?
When will I get to hang out with you again?
I doubt I will ever get answers, but it's nice to get it out in writing. I'm terribly afraid of what the answers will be. I'm afraid that my love for him will never be enough to change his mind. I know many of you reading this would automatically say: "Then you need to find someone else who will appreciate you." The truth is that he does appreciate me, his situation just makes it difficult. For the first time in my life, I'm being an optimist. I'm pushing my boundaries and willing myself to see hope, good, and potential in all things. I need him to trust me. I need him to see the good and feel the love that is readily available for him. He is by far the most incredible man I have EVER dated. The combination of his intelligence, wit, sarcasm, affection, love, integrity, strength, drive, motivation, and dedication is unlike anything I have ever witnessed. I will NEVER find anyone like him again. That is what scares me. Sometimes I wish I was 10 years older, and I had met him before his wife. He deserves better, and he knows it.
When we talked, he said something that made me nearly cry.
"On the surface, I want to tell you it's not worth it, to give up. But deep down in my heart, a small voice screams, 'Don't leave!'"
That statement alone gives me fuel to keep fighting, to keep hoping. It shows that he is worried about how long this will take and the emotional and mental ramifications it may have on me. Deep down he yearns for my affection, a closeness to me, and a relationship. He only wants to see me happy. I get that. At the end of the day, the idea of losing him is far more painful and cringe inducing than just needing to have space for a bit. Although that aspect isn't enjoyable either, it gives things a temporary feel. A light at the end of the tunnel. Time will tell. I just hope that he doesn't sell himself short. That he doesn't commit to a life of monotony and ignorance because it's "easier". At some point, one has to stand up for oneself. We have ONE amazing life, and there is absolutely NO sense in being miserable. Take a deep breath, grab the reins, and fight for the things that matter.
He called me. I was beyond excited. We talked for over an hour, between the bullshitting, laughing, and some serious moment... we didn't get a lot resolved. Essentially I'm still confused. Terribly confused actually. He gives me so many glimmers of hope, and then destroys them with his own insecurity and confusion. He says things such as, "When we're together." or "I'll remember that for the future when you bring something up." He clearly wants me. He clearly has feelings. He clearly has emotions that are tied to me. Unfortunately, the feelings and emotions towards me are all mixed up in a giant pot that also houses his distressed and discomforted feelings towards family, extended family, friends, and work. It's got to be hard to strain out the good from the bad when there is that much in the pot. It's not impossible, just daunting.
Although I honestly love Paul, he has one personality quirk that drives me crazy. If you can't tell, I'm very straightforward and honest, so is Paul. The difference is that I have no problem being confronted or confronting others. Paul on the other hand is flighty when the spotlight is turned on him. He balks and runs, or creates some inopportune joke or witty remark. Funny nonetheless, but damnit, sometimes I just need my answers. Today was a CLASSIC example. I spent my time on the phone cheering him up (as per usual), complimenting him (he's very handsome), and laughing with him about silly things (he's also very funny), but this was all interspersed with some serious questions. Things that would give me insight, hope, confidence, and the ability to press on in the face of everything that is happening. Instead, my questions are avoided, I end up more confused, and I have to keep finding the inner well of confidence and strength to keep going. I know the questions are tough. I know he may not have the answers. Regardless, can't he give me something? Can't he see that I need his support too? This is inhibiting me as well! Sometimes I need a boost, a hug, or a compliment. Maybe this is rhetorical, but, shouldn't he know if he loves me or not? Shouldn't he already know if he wants to be with me? Shouldn't he already see that his marriage is a disaster and that his talents and knowledge are being squandered on someone who doesn't see them, let alone appreciate them?
All in all, there is more in this situation than meets the eye. There are things that I will never understand or grasp, but I do know what happiness, love, affection, and LIVING really are. His growth in those areas seems to be stunted by his current predicament. If I could ask him 3 questions and get honest answers, I would ask:
When are you getting divorced?
Will we ever be together?
When will I get to hang out with you again?
I doubt I will ever get answers, but it's nice to get it out in writing. I'm terribly afraid of what the answers will be. I'm afraid that my love for him will never be enough to change his mind. I know many of you reading this would automatically say: "Then you need to find someone else who will appreciate you." The truth is that he does appreciate me, his situation just makes it difficult. For the first time in my life, I'm being an optimist. I'm pushing my boundaries and willing myself to see hope, good, and potential in all things. I need him to trust me. I need him to see the good and feel the love that is readily available for him. He is by far the most incredible man I have EVER dated. The combination of his intelligence, wit, sarcasm, affection, love, integrity, strength, drive, motivation, and dedication is unlike anything I have ever witnessed. I will NEVER find anyone like him again. That is what scares me. Sometimes I wish I was 10 years older, and I had met him before his wife. He deserves better, and he knows it.
When we talked, he said something that made me nearly cry.
"On the surface, I want to tell you it's not worth it, to give up. But deep down in my heart, a small voice screams, 'Don't leave!'"
That statement alone gives me fuel to keep fighting, to keep hoping. It shows that he is worried about how long this will take and the emotional and mental ramifications it may have on me. Deep down he yearns for my affection, a closeness to me, and a relationship. He only wants to see me happy. I get that. At the end of the day, the idea of losing him is far more painful and cringe inducing than just needing to have space for a bit. Although that aspect isn't enjoyable either, it gives things a temporary feel. A light at the end of the tunnel. Time will tell. I just hope that he doesn't sell himself short. That he doesn't commit to a life of monotony and ignorance because it's "easier". At some point, one has to stand up for oneself. We have ONE amazing life, and there is absolutely NO sense in being miserable. Take a deep breath, grab the reins, and fight for the things that matter.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Understanding
It's official. The line has been drawn. I'm not sure whether it is permanent or temporary, but there is clearly a line.
I finally talked to Paul. It's always refreshing to hear his voice. Reassuring actually. I enjoy those moments when we talk. Life is easier because the communication is open, honest, blunt, and has plenty of sarcasm. It's funny, out of everything we have done together, the communication is one of the things I miss the most right now. Anyways, we talked. It wasn't the result I was hoping to get, but it could have been far worse of an outcome. Basically, Paul needs space and a lot of it. He feels a lot of pressure from me and our situation. I get that. I don't like feeling like I put more pressure on him than work, his family, his friends, and his marriage. I thought I was a GOOD thing, not a problem to be pushed aside until he can work everything out. Unfortunately, now that doesn't matter. The situation is what it is. He said he still wants me and loves me but is being terribly unfair to his family and marriage. I get that. So the general consensus is that I have to wait until the dust settles and the sky clears. I can wait, but my fear of him changing his mind is now more of a reality. I'm worried we're heading down a dead end road in which I already know what happens: we run out of pavement. I don't want that, and I dread the day he looks me in the face and tells me that he can't divorce her. My heart will be crushed. So what do I do? Commit to another 45+ days of wondering and waiting? Do I move on? I'm beyond confused, and I'm sure my writing conveys that.
I asked him to clarify our situation. What are we? No real answer. Can we still talk? Can we still have phone calls? Can we text? Yes and no. It's hard being in love with someone and not be able to reach out to them when they need it most. I would give nearly ANYTHING to have him just hold me right now. To tell me I'm still amazing and beautiful. To just hug me and remind me of why I can wait this one out. He's in a tough and stressful spot, and it is a horrible feeling to watch him suffer in silence.
So after his decision, I've tried my hardest to not text or call him. It's impossible. I've texted him twice without receiving a response. No more phone calls. And work? ugh. I see him and I just want to hug him and break down. Instead, I act as if life is grand, slap a smile on my face, and carry out the daily motions so no one will notice. It's not natural for me. I want to tell him how much I love him. How much he means to me. How handsome he looks every day! I know none of it will matter. None of it will change the situation for now. So do I keep doing it? Or do I let go and be silent? It's an interesting feeling being at the top, at his side essentially, and within days, falling to a rank that (at this point) seems somewhere below a friend. It's weird. The no texting and no calls seems so silly... friends do that! Dinner out together? Friends do that too. Complimenting? Friends do that too. Long talks and hugs on bad days? My friends definitely do that. I guess the whole "marriage" title throws a wrench in there though. It complicates things. Having never been married, I guess it's not entirely fair of me to judge the topic.
For now, I have no choice but to continue waiting in silence. I hate that my needs come second now. It's so hard. I spend 95% of my day thinking about him, what he's doing, where he is, if he's happy, if work is going well for him, etc. But I worry that that feeling isn't reciprocated. The hardest part is staring at my phone, willing him to text me. To give me something. Then when a text comes through, I get really excited and then realize it's not from him. Fail. My goal for now is to be stronger in mind and body. To know that if this is meant to happen, it will happen. In the end, I tell myself, it will all be worth it. I hope I'm right.
"One must fulfill one's mission without timidity or dissimulation, for to be well done, the work must be done unselfishly." --S&H 483:30-32
I finally talked to Paul. It's always refreshing to hear his voice. Reassuring actually. I enjoy those moments when we talk. Life is easier because the communication is open, honest, blunt, and has plenty of sarcasm. It's funny, out of everything we have done together, the communication is one of the things I miss the most right now. Anyways, we talked. It wasn't the result I was hoping to get, but it could have been far worse of an outcome. Basically, Paul needs space and a lot of it. He feels a lot of pressure from me and our situation. I get that. I don't like feeling like I put more pressure on him than work, his family, his friends, and his marriage. I thought I was a GOOD thing, not a problem to be pushed aside until he can work everything out. Unfortunately, now that doesn't matter. The situation is what it is. He said he still wants me and loves me but is being terribly unfair to his family and marriage. I get that. So the general consensus is that I have to wait until the dust settles and the sky clears. I can wait, but my fear of him changing his mind is now more of a reality. I'm worried we're heading down a dead end road in which I already know what happens: we run out of pavement. I don't want that, and I dread the day he looks me in the face and tells me that he can't divorce her. My heart will be crushed. So what do I do? Commit to another 45+ days of wondering and waiting? Do I move on? I'm beyond confused, and I'm sure my writing conveys that.
I asked him to clarify our situation. What are we? No real answer. Can we still talk? Can we still have phone calls? Can we text? Yes and no. It's hard being in love with someone and not be able to reach out to them when they need it most. I would give nearly ANYTHING to have him just hold me right now. To tell me I'm still amazing and beautiful. To just hug me and remind me of why I can wait this one out. He's in a tough and stressful spot, and it is a horrible feeling to watch him suffer in silence.
So after his decision, I've tried my hardest to not text or call him. It's impossible. I've texted him twice without receiving a response. No more phone calls. And work? ugh. I see him and I just want to hug him and break down. Instead, I act as if life is grand, slap a smile on my face, and carry out the daily motions so no one will notice. It's not natural for me. I want to tell him how much I love him. How much he means to me. How handsome he looks every day! I know none of it will matter. None of it will change the situation for now. So do I keep doing it? Or do I let go and be silent? It's an interesting feeling being at the top, at his side essentially, and within days, falling to a rank that (at this point) seems somewhere below a friend. It's weird. The no texting and no calls seems so silly... friends do that! Dinner out together? Friends do that too. Complimenting? Friends do that too. Long talks and hugs on bad days? My friends definitely do that. I guess the whole "marriage" title throws a wrench in there though. It complicates things. Having never been married, I guess it's not entirely fair of me to judge the topic.
For now, I have no choice but to continue waiting in silence. I hate that my needs come second now. It's so hard. I spend 95% of my day thinking about him, what he's doing, where he is, if he's happy, if work is going well for him, etc. But I worry that that feeling isn't reciprocated. The hardest part is staring at my phone, willing him to text me. To give me something. Then when a text comes through, I get really excited and then realize it's not from him. Fail. My goal for now is to be stronger in mind and body. To know that if this is meant to happen, it will happen. In the end, I tell myself, it will all be worth it. I hope I'm right.
"One must fulfill one's mission without timidity or dissimulation, for to be well done, the work must be done unselfishly." --S&H 483:30-32
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Reminders
I apologize for being a complete delinquent about my blog! I kind of shocked myself when I saw that my last post was on November 7, 2011. Yikes! Over a month ago! Anyways, I'll make up for it with this post...
Let's go back to August 2011, roughly 4 months ago, in which I met a man. An incredible man. One who watched me day in and day out, as I suffered through monotonous tasks and the demands of my managers. His compassion was unbelievable, and before long, he swept me under his wing. His goal was to make me happy, to make me smile, and to teach me how to wiggle my way through the onslaught of office politics. I was blown away! Someone cares about ME? Normally I'm the one who jumps to the aid of others, but he definitely had me figured out. 12 years my senior, Paul was truly my blessing. He was that change we all need in order to keep going. He increased the fire inside me, and he made me fight for things (figuratively of course). Our friendship quickly became the strongest one I had. I trusted him implicitly. I could completely be myself without being judged. I could crack jokes with him, and he could keep up. He could make me laugh more than ANYONE I knew. My favorite moments came when I could make him laugh. He has a gorgeous smile, one that should be shared more often with the world. His laugh was deep and contagious. I could hear him laugh from across the room, and it would instantly bring a HUGE smile to my face. I loved making him laugh so hard that he would grab his stomach, squint his eyes, and crack up laughing. He was knight on the white horse. My breath of fresh air. The person with whom I could spend the rest of my life and be completely happy. Our similarities were refreshing, and our differences were intriguing. I was always blown away by his intelligence, comprehension, and desire to constantly learn more. It was as if God had given me the person I needed most, at the time when I needed him the most.
The only problem: he was married. Regardless of his marital state, our friendship began to blossom into something that went far beyond the reaches and bounds of friendship. We spent any time we could talking to each other, both in person and on the phone. Lots of evenings were spent at my place, just relaxing and enjoying the company of one another. On top of that, he is an amazing cook, and I loved watching him prepare meals that always tasted delicious. He taught me quite a few things, but I still yearn for more. Our relationship continued to grow, and I couldn't get enough of the time we spent together. As soon as he would leave, I would be contemplating the next time we could see each other. When we spent time together, it was as if nothing else mattered. Life was complete. I was with my better half. It was natural and easy, and it worked. We would spend countless hours talking about life, especially his failing marriage and his codependent wife. It was hard listening, especially knowing that when he left the safety of my home, he was returning to a deplorable situation in his own home. Now before I go any further, some of you reading this may call me a harlot, a slut, a homewrecker, a mistress, a whore, etc. Whatever. Your feelings are your feelings, and I am not writing this to debate them with you. I am simply stating the facts on how this all played out. Anyways, our friendship became a relationship, feelings and desires became a part of the everyday interaction between the two of us. I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. It was amazing, and I loved every minute of it. After one night together, Paul wrote a note to me explaining how thankful he was to know me and spend time with me. To this very moment, I still carry that note in my purse. It reminds me of how good life can be. We all deserve to be appreciated and loved. We all deserve the very best, and we shouldn't have to settle or compromise in order to get it. He would also write me cute notes and statements, as well as an occasional poem, on post it notes. I would gather them all up and bring them home. They all sit in a stack in my nightstand. A memento of the good and love that truly existed between us.
As time wore on, Paul's marriage became worse and worse. The pain on his face and the emotional roller coaster he was experiencing, were both a little too much to witness. Paul developed a plan for ending his marriage and moving on with his life. I supported whatever decision he made, regardless of if I was in the final plans or not. Outside of our situation and my feelings, Paul deserves the best. He deserves a loving and warm home. He deserves to have someone kiss him, say "I love you", and mean it! He deserves to laugh and smile. He deserves to have personal space to foster his own interests. He deserves someone who supports him and his endeavors. He deserves someone who understands him. He deserves someone who can make decisions and be an equal force in the relationship. He deserves a partner, not a codependent lump. Let me tell you, his wife does NONE of the above. Paul's plan was to wait until after the holidays because he didn't want to ruin them or attach a negative stigma to them. Unfortunately, as you are well aware, the stigma will still be attached to the holidays whether he wants it to or not. Paul doesn't like hurting people. He is incredibly compassionate, and he tends to fulfill others needs before his own. That worries me.
In November, Paul and I had a huge fallout. I got upset about him not visiting as much or calling as much, and he felt like he couldn't keep me happy. He ended it. He ended our relationship. I was devastated. I cried so much. I couldn't handle NOT having him in my life. I was more mad that he made a decision about US without asking MY opinion. Work was awful because I lost my source of support. Everyday was horribly awkward. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I picked up the pieces that were left of my dignity and confidence, mashed them together, and started chasing him. I had to let him know that the lack of time together would never change how I feel about him. My love for him was boundless and unconditional. I cared about him more than ANYONE I had ever been with. I needed him, and he needed me. We were a perfect team, and I just had to get him to see it. The chasing worked, and eventually, he came around. He understood my thought process and feelings. We worked things out, and agree to work on things and talk things out before we made drastic changes or decisions.
The remainder of November was amazing. We spent time together, and I learned to back off and provide him with space when he needed it. It was tough, but do-able. With a light at the end of the tunnel (in terms of his divorce), it was a lot easier to deal with things. As November turned into December, our relationship began to slide again. The phone calls became fewer. Texting became rare too. Definitely did not happen at work anymore. No more post it notes to add to my collection. No lunches out together. No good morning or good night messages unless prompted. No "I love you" or "I miss you" unless prompted. No apologies. Every time I brought the subject up, the defenses went up and he would say that he was busy with work. I could tell that work was tough on him, but it still wasn't a good enough excuse for me. How long does it take to send a text? 10 seconds? So you're too busy to commit those 10 seconds of your day to me? Not to mention that he was now completely preoccupied at home, when 2 months before, I heard from him ALL day long, every day. We haven't hung out in over a week, and to make matters even more stressful, he missed my birthday party. He had the full and complete intention of coming to my party, but a fight with his wife brought those plans crashing down. For me, I was sad that he didn't show up, but the worst part was that he never sent a text explaining what happened or that he wouldn't be coming. Isn't it proper etiquette to let the guest know if you will be attending or not? Even if it's not etiquette, wouldn't you have enough respect for the woman you love to let her know that you aren't coming? I was beyond upset, and I was mad. Not a good combination for anyone. I finally received a text on Saturday. He apologized and explained what happened... then dead air. No more responses. Later that evening, we texted a bit more... then dead air. Here I sit on a Sunday night, and I've had little contact with him today as well. I feel lost and confused.
I know that I still love him. I know that I forgive him. I know that we need to talk. I know that I have to work with him tomorrow. I know that we can work through this. I know that he needs a friend. I know that some part of him still cares for me.
I don't know if he still loves me. I don't know if he wants to talk to me. I don't know if he wants anything to do with me. I don't know if he wants to work through this. I don't know if he wants me as a friend anymore. I don't know if he will speak to me tomorrow.
I miss our conversations. I miss the random texts. I miss the short phone calls. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss hearing "I miss you". I miss hearing "You're beautiful". I miss my post it notes. I miss my good morning and good night messages. I miss my hugs and kisses. I miss laying and looking into his eyes and thinking "Damn! I am one lucky girl!" I miss seeing the real Paul. I miss watching him get excited about something new. I miss holding his hand. I miss having him tease me about my quirks. I miss him. Maybe that is too much to as of him...
So I sit in my bed wondering what is happening. What is happening? What is wrong? Where did we go wrong? Is this really too much to deal with? Was it that bad? Doesn't the good far outweigh everything else? I have plenty of questions, but obviously no real answers. I just want to hear his voice tell me everything is ok. My love for him is very real. I will continue to love him for a very long time regardless of what happens between us. I want to jump in and let him tell me everything. I want to be his best friend again. I want him to trust me and love me.
My friends are screaming for me to run.
"He's no different than all of the other guys you've dated."
"He'll break your heart."
"If he's this bad now, what will he be like if you started dating?"
"If he can't see your beauty and good qualities, he's missing out."
Although I hear everything they say, my heart and head aren't ready to give up. I'm not ready to give up. I see lots and lots and lots of good in him. I see potential. I see love and compassion and affection. I see happiness. I can't give up until he tells me to give up. I hope that doesn't happen, but part of me is scared that it will. I'm more afraid of watching him abandon his divorce plans and stay married to his wife forever. He is an incredible human being with so much to offer the world. He just needs to be reminded of them. He needs someone who can bring it out of him. I know I can.
I love you Paul.
Let's go back to August 2011, roughly 4 months ago, in which I met a man. An incredible man. One who watched me day in and day out, as I suffered through monotonous tasks and the demands of my managers. His compassion was unbelievable, and before long, he swept me under his wing. His goal was to make me happy, to make me smile, and to teach me how to wiggle my way through the onslaught of office politics. I was blown away! Someone cares about ME? Normally I'm the one who jumps to the aid of others, but he definitely had me figured out. 12 years my senior, Paul was truly my blessing. He was that change we all need in order to keep going. He increased the fire inside me, and he made me fight for things (figuratively of course). Our friendship quickly became the strongest one I had. I trusted him implicitly. I could completely be myself without being judged. I could crack jokes with him, and he could keep up. He could make me laugh more than ANYONE I knew. My favorite moments came when I could make him laugh. He has a gorgeous smile, one that should be shared more often with the world. His laugh was deep and contagious. I could hear him laugh from across the room, and it would instantly bring a HUGE smile to my face. I loved making him laugh so hard that he would grab his stomach, squint his eyes, and crack up laughing. He was knight on the white horse. My breath of fresh air. The person with whom I could spend the rest of my life and be completely happy. Our similarities were refreshing, and our differences were intriguing. I was always blown away by his intelligence, comprehension, and desire to constantly learn more. It was as if God had given me the person I needed most, at the time when I needed him the most.
The only problem: he was married. Regardless of his marital state, our friendship began to blossom into something that went far beyond the reaches and bounds of friendship. We spent any time we could talking to each other, both in person and on the phone. Lots of evenings were spent at my place, just relaxing and enjoying the company of one another. On top of that, he is an amazing cook, and I loved watching him prepare meals that always tasted delicious. He taught me quite a few things, but I still yearn for more. Our relationship continued to grow, and I couldn't get enough of the time we spent together. As soon as he would leave, I would be contemplating the next time we could see each other. When we spent time together, it was as if nothing else mattered. Life was complete. I was with my better half. It was natural and easy, and it worked. We would spend countless hours talking about life, especially his failing marriage and his codependent wife. It was hard listening, especially knowing that when he left the safety of my home, he was returning to a deplorable situation in his own home. Now before I go any further, some of you reading this may call me a harlot, a slut, a homewrecker, a mistress, a whore, etc. Whatever. Your feelings are your feelings, and I am not writing this to debate them with you. I am simply stating the facts on how this all played out. Anyways, our friendship became a relationship, feelings and desires became a part of the everyday interaction between the two of us. I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me. It was amazing, and I loved every minute of it. After one night together, Paul wrote a note to me explaining how thankful he was to know me and spend time with me. To this very moment, I still carry that note in my purse. It reminds me of how good life can be. We all deserve to be appreciated and loved. We all deserve the very best, and we shouldn't have to settle or compromise in order to get it. He would also write me cute notes and statements, as well as an occasional poem, on post it notes. I would gather them all up and bring them home. They all sit in a stack in my nightstand. A memento of the good and love that truly existed between us.
As time wore on, Paul's marriage became worse and worse. The pain on his face and the emotional roller coaster he was experiencing, were both a little too much to witness. Paul developed a plan for ending his marriage and moving on with his life. I supported whatever decision he made, regardless of if I was in the final plans or not. Outside of our situation and my feelings, Paul deserves the best. He deserves a loving and warm home. He deserves to have someone kiss him, say "I love you", and mean it! He deserves to laugh and smile. He deserves to have personal space to foster his own interests. He deserves someone who supports him and his endeavors. He deserves someone who understands him. He deserves someone who can make decisions and be an equal force in the relationship. He deserves a partner, not a codependent lump. Let me tell you, his wife does NONE of the above. Paul's plan was to wait until after the holidays because he didn't want to ruin them or attach a negative stigma to them. Unfortunately, as you are well aware, the stigma will still be attached to the holidays whether he wants it to or not. Paul doesn't like hurting people. He is incredibly compassionate, and he tends to fulfill others needs before his own. That worries me.
In November, Paul and I had a huge fallout. I got upset about him not visiting as much or calling as much, and he felt like he couldn't keep me happy. He ended it. He ended our relationship. I was devastated. I cried so much. I couldn't handle NOT having him in my life. I was more mad that he made a decision about US without asking MY opinion. Work was awful because I lost my source of support. Everyday was horribly awkward. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I picked up the pieces that were left of my dignity and confidence, mashed them together, and started chasing him. I had to let him know that the lack of time together would never change how I feel about him. My love for him was boundless and unconditional. I cared about him more than ANYONE I had ever been with. I needed him, and he needed me. We were a perfect team, and I just had to get him to see it. The chasing worked, and eventually, he came around. He understood my thought process and feelings. We worked things out, and agree to work on things and talk things out before we made drastic changes or decisions.
The remainder of November was amazing. We spent time together, and I learned to back off and provide him with space when he needed it. It was tough, but do-able. With a light at the end of the tunnel (in terms of his divorce), it was a lot easier to deal with things. As November turned into December, our relationship began to slide again. The phone calls became fewer. Texting became rare too. Definitely did not happen at work anymore. No more post it notes to add to my collection. No lunches out together. No good morning or good night messages unless prompted. No "I love you" or "I miss you" unless prompted. No apologies. Every time I brought the subject up, the defenses went up and he would say that he was busy with work. I could tell that work was tough on him, but it still wasn't a good enough excuse for me. How long does it take to send a text? 10 seconds? So you're too busy to commit those 10 seconds of your day to me? Not to mention that he was now completely preoccupied at home, when 2 months before, I heard from him ALL day long, every day. We haven't hung out in over a week, and to make matters even more stressful, he missed my birthday party. He had the full and complete intention of coming to my party, but a fight with his wife brought those plans crashing down. For me, I was sad that he didn't show up, but the worst part was that he never sent a text explaining what happened or that he wouldn't be coming. Isn't it proper etiquette to let the guest know if you will be attending or not? Even if it's not etiquette, wouldn't you have enough respect for the woman you love to let her know that you aren't coming? I was beyond upset, and I was mad. Not a good combination for anyone. I finally received a text on Saturday. He apologized and explained what happened... then dead air. No more responses. Later that evening, we texted a bit more... then dead air. Here I sit on a Sunday night, and I've had little contact with him today as well. I feel lost and confused.
I know that I still love him. I know that I forgive him. I know that we need to talk. I know that I have to work with him tomorrow. I know that we can work through this. I know that he needs a friend. I know that some part of him still cares for me.
I don't know if he still loves me. I don't know if he wants to talk to me. I don't know if he wants anything to do with me. I don't know if he wants to work through this. I don't know if he wants me as a friend anymore. I don't know if he will speak to me tomorrow.
I miss our conversations. I miss the random texts. I miss the short phone calls. I miss hearing "I love you". I miss hearing "I miss you". I miss hearing "You're beautiful". I miss my post it notes. I miss my good morning and good night messages. I miss my hugs and kisses. I miss laying and looking into his eyes and thinking "Damn! I am one lucky girl!" I miss seeing the real Paul. I miss watching him get excited about something new. I miss holding his hand. I miss having him tease me about my quirks. I miss him. Maybe that is too much to as of him...
So I sit in my bed wondering what is happening. What is happening? What is wrong? Where did we go wrong? Is this really too much to deal with? Was it that bad? Doesn't the good far outweigh everything else? I have plenty of questions, but obviously no real answers. I just want to hear his voice tell me everything is ok. My love for him is very real. I will continue to love him for a very long time regardless of what happens between us. I want to jump in and let him tell me everything. I want to be his best friend again. I want him to trust me and love me.
My friends are screaming for me to run.
"He's no different than all of the other guys you've dated."
"He'll break your heart."
"If he's this bad now, what will he be like if you started dating?"
"If he can't see your beauty and good qualities, he's missing out."
Although I hear everything they say, my heart and head aren't ready to give up. I'm not ready to give up. I see lots and lots and lots of good in him. I see potential. I see love and compassion and affection. I see happiness. I can't give up until he tells me to give up. I hope that doesn't happen, but part of me is scared that it will. I'm more afraid of watching him abandon his divorce plans and stay married to his wife forever. He is an incredible human being with so much to offer the world. He just needs to be reminded of them. He needs someone who can bring it out of him. I know I can.
I love you Paul.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)