The Simplicity of that Summer

It was perfect. It was everything a girl could hope for. The setting was a summer camp, on the shores of Michigan. Sunny days, star filled nights. Although I'm not completely taken with the idea of small children, I will admit that their honesty and wonder always made me smile. Their temper tantrums and tear soaked faces challenged my level of patience. Through it all, there was always a glimmer of hope and resolve, comfort and compassion.

His name was Austin. He was amazing. Strong athlete, very smart, loving, and genuine. He was a gentleman. He was nearly 3 years my junior, and he knew how to win me over. Constantly attentive to my needs and filling my days with small surprises. From letters and poems, to secretive visits while I worked, and flowers gently placed on my nightstand, he always knew how to make me smile. We spent countless hours together. I made him more mature, and he made me relax and find my childlike nature. Life was too short after all. Summer flew by and we had to part ways. Through tear filled eyes, we said goodbye and swore that we would always talk and find time for one another. We held to our promise as we both returned home... 6 hours apart. It was tough. School and work kept us busy, but we always found time to talk and laugh. We made regular visits to see one another. My family loved him, and his family loved me. Six months into the relationship, I headed overseas. We were further apart than ever before. Austin followed a few months later for an extended vacation. We traveled to many new places, and I opened his eyes to the wonders of the world beyond the borders of the USA. We both returned home and made plans to return to camp. It was another glorious summer, slightly tougher than before because a relationship had flourished into something stronger, something more tangible. Unfortunately, the surprises became infrequent, time together became laced with arguments, and I began to question his genuine nature. Some things just seemed untrue. Regardless, we still found time for each other, we still laughed, and we still loved one another.

Summer came to a close again, but this time things were different. Austin was moving away to college, and he would only be 30 minutes from me. I was elated. I couldn't wait to share in his college experience and to introduce him to my own. We had fun, but our challenging schedules made spending time together incredibly difficult. My senior projects were due, and he was starting basketball. I attended most games. I pushed things aside to make sure he knew I supported him. I traveled all over the state to watch him play. It still wasn't good enough. The fights became more bitter and more frequent. We argued about stupid things. Unimportant things. I felt alone, and he felt smothered. He couldn't understand my extreme devotion to school, and I couldn't get him to focus on school at all. My friends didn't like him anymore, and his friends called me a "bitch" and a "slut". He wanted to smoke pot, and I wouldn't let him. The battle raged on and on.

Spring finally arrived and I graduated with honors from college. I got my first "real" job and had to move away, leaving Austin behind again. He hated it. He hated me for leaving him. I felt guilty. I invited him to spend some of the summer with me. Being in close quarters helped to smooth the surface tension, but the undertow still raged on. He didn't work, nor did he try. The life I had built for myself didn't work for him. He wanted to change the layout and renovate my design. I wouldn't have it. The arguments were ugly and hateful. I quickly became aware of the fact that I didn't trust him, nor did I love him. My stomach dropped, my faith in us vanished, my anxiety peaked, and I felt completely lost. I never told him. He returned to school in the fall, and I continued working and living my life. The trust was gone. I was nervous all of the time. In December, I realized I couldn't handle it anymore, so I left him. His world fell apart. He begged and pleaded for me to take him back. He still loved me. I adamantly refused to let him back into my life unless he cleaned up his own. College had corrupted him. It had changed him into someone I didn't recognize. In February, my emotions got the better of me. My fear of being alone forever overruled my decision to leave someone who treated me with no respect. The tables quickly turned and I was the one begging and pleading for forgiveness. He made me feel awful. To this day, I have no idea why I went back. There is no logical explanation for it.

Eventually he took me back, but it didn't come without more heartache. He admitted to dating another girl. He admitted to being sexually involved with this girl. He said he wasn't sure if he liked that girl or myself more. He wanted to date someone on his campus. He wanted someone his age. He wanted someone who understood his love of sports. He wanted to tell me that he loved me while sleeping with someone else. I choked down those awful thoughts. I begged and pleaded with God to wipe them from my memory banks. I prayed that I would find someone better. Someone who loved me for me. I kept trying to win Austin over. I planned a long weekend getaway - just he and I. It was Valentine's Day weekend. I paid for everything, bought him presents, and had dinner plans. He showed up, didn't say Happy Valentine's Day, didn't bring me anything, and only wanted sex. It was awful. I felt useless, unimportant, unwanted. I suffered through the weekend, and when it was over, I spent a lot of time paging through things in my mind. None of it made sense. I was miserable.

Spring, Summer, and Fall all came and passed. Nothing changed. The fights were awful, and the love was absent. Enough was enough. In November, I took him to see my family one last time, and then sent him home. I called him and told him it was over. I was done. He didn't seem too surprised. He wanted to work things out. He wanted to try harder. He admitted to being a shitty boyfriend. I wasn't buying any of it this time. I was over it. In February, I moved back to where he lived. We were 45 minutes apart, and he was thrilled! I was not. I agreed to spend time with him. I agree to hang out with him. Bad decisions. I quickly got sucked back into the craziness of his life. One evening, he promised to call and talk to me, but the call never came. Complete silence for 2 days after that as well. Finally the silence was broken, a simple text apologizing for his absence and offering an explanation if and when we could talk. I wanted to hear his excuse. It had to be good!

I soon received the most devastating news from him. He informed me that he had been arrested on drug chargers. Use of marijuana, distribution of marijuana, and marijuana paraphernalia were all thrown against him. He spent time in jail, hence the missed call and the silence. I was shocked, absolutely shocked. I was mad, but concerned. Thoroughly disappointed as well. He admitted to using marijuana for most of our relationship. He admitted that he knew I didn't approve, so he kept it very secretive. He made every effort to avoid having me find out. I was mortified. Dishonesty. Disrespect. I broke down. We didn't speak for days. A few weeks later, he received notice that the school would put him before a panel to determine his punishment. He called me in a tear soaked panic. I kept apologizing. He told me that he wanted to stop lying to me. That he loved me and that I deserved the truth. Then came the bombshell...

In a matter of seconds, he destroyed everything that was left between us. He had cheated on me. A couple times. More specifically when I was at school, and he was 30 minutes down the road. He made sure to cheat when I was asleep. That way I wouldn't interrupt. The shock froze me in my tracks. I didn't cry. I didn't yell. I just froze. I remember listening to him cry and apologize. I wasn't listening anymore. No one deserves that, especially not me. I am better than that, stronger than that. I hung up on him, and he called dozens of times begging for my attention. I never gave in.

It's been nearly a year. Although the phone calls have stopped, his desperate ass continues to text me. I automatically delete them and don't give them a second thought. I'm over him completely. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. I've been asked if I would ever go back to him. The answer is a resounding NO. That chapter of my life is complete and finished. It's time to move onto bigger and better things. It's time to open up to someone who WANTS me, who RESPECTS me, and who UNCONDITIONALLY LOVES me. So here I sit, a little worse for wear and slightly broken. My rough exterior keeps me safe, but my heart and mind are yearning for someone who can sweep me off my feet and remind me of what it feels like to be in love again. I'm fixable. I'm mendable. I have plenty of bumps and bruises, but the beauty of it is that time heals all things. I refuse to place any of this on any future man in my life. I won't behave that way. This has made me stronger. I will overcome this and I will fall in love again. I will not let life pass me by. I'm ready to feel the Simplicity of that first Summer all over again... every day from here unto eternity.