Roller Coaster

It's been about 2 months since I last posted on here, and trust me, a lot has happened over the past 2 months. Shortly after my last post, Paul's behavior became more erratic and strange. He was distant, extremely distant... and then he dealt the crushing blow that I was not prepared for. "I'm not getting divorced." I couldn't handle it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was the foreign phrase that I had seen on the horizon but had chosen to ignore. I was a mess... I couldn't stop crying. Everything reminded me of him. Everything reminded me of what I could have had with him. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. I was a mess for a couple days. I stopped eating, I spent a lot of time laying around racking my brain, and I tucked away every note and physical item that reminded me of him. It was brutal and painful. I called a therapist and started speaking with her at least twice a week. I felt so lost and disconnected, as if my life was unimportant. The therapist let me talk, but it didn't help to heal the wounds. I had to ignore his texts and reduce work to JUST work. No joking, no bonding, and no hugs and kisses in secret. It killed me to hear his voice and know that we weren't the same anymore. I would burst into tears at work, and I was constantly on edge.

A few weeks into the disaster, Paul had an assignment for work, and he called me and asked for my help. I reluctantly agreed, but I knew that I had to make work more pleasant. That we had to be friendly and get along because of work. We met up and worked on the assignment, and I did a damn good job at remaining neutral. I don't wear it very well at all though. He knew it. Upon completion of the assignment, we headed back to our cars... I had brought a few of the Christmas presents that I had purchased for him, so I got them out of the front seat and handed them to him. Definitely hit a chord with that. He looked broken, vulnerable, and on the brink of losing it. I asked him if he wanted to sit and talk, and thankfully he agreed. We sat in the car and spilled to each other. All of my emotion came pouring out, and he broke down and cried. It was the first time I had ever seen him be emotional and truly show his raw emotions. He is normally so solid and stoic, but for one time, I saw him at his weakest and it made him truly human. I was blown away, he needed me, he missed me, and his life was not the same without me in it.

After talking for a while, we admitted our feelings and our genuine love for one another. It was a breath of fresh air, a breath of life that had vanished from my own existence. I felt relief and hope again. I had him back. He promised to not give up on me or us. That he would fight for us because he couldn't handle NOT having me in his life. I was happy, but guarded. We went our separate ways, but I had a huge weight removed from my shoulders. I felt happy again. Work returned to "normal", and we were able to enjoy each others' company as much as possible. Unfortunately, Paul was subject to a lot of changes at work, so our relationship became a little strained at work. Not a lot of time to talk, and when we did, it didn't really go beyond work related stuff. I don't mind being supportive of his needs, especially when things go wrong at work, but I often feel like it is very one-sided. He doesn't seem to get overly concerned about issues in my life, nor does he ever ask how I'm doing. It's frustrating.

Fast forward a few more weeks, Paul's wife gets into a massive car accident, so they are reduced to using one car. No more morning phone calls and no more evening phone calls. I felt like my one reward every day was being ripped away. Although it's not easy, I'm still dealing with it... the car is supposed to be back in 2 weeks. Let the countdown begin! Texting has been reduced to a minimum because he doesn't have time (I guess), and then to make things even more complicated, his boss told him not to IM anymore at work. All forms of communication have literally been cut off. Ugh. So now our time together is limited to work, which means that I spend maybe 10 minutes a day with him. I know, I know... I should be grateful for whatever time I do receive, but going from one night a week to 10 minutes a day (if I'm lucky) is a HUGE reduction. Not something I'm happy about either.

On Friday night, I drove Paul home after a happy hour with some friends. We talked about work, and then I lost it. I apologized for getting upset and crying, but that I hadn't really had any time with him. All we do is talk about work and more work, and sometimes I just want to talk about us and our lives. I want to know what he is up to, what he is thinking, and talk about the latest events in his life. He means a lot to me! He got angry at first, but then calmed down and we were able to talk. He seemed to understand and respect what I was saying. He told me that he was sorry and would make a greater effort to be more active in our relationship. After talking, I felt A LOT better. I had been able to clear the air and let him know what I thought. He told me that I was his rock, that I made things better because of the support I provided. That made me smile. :)

We spent a little time catching up, and then I dropped him off. I had such a good time, and I felt hopeful, relieved, and happy as I drove home. I think I smiled the entire trip. Once I arrived home, I sent him a text and he sent me a very sweet one back. I was thrilled! Saturday morning came, I said good morning to Paul via text and he asked me what I was up to. I responded, and then.... nothing. I was confused. I chalked it up to cell phone malfunction since his phone had been acting up. He wasn't receiving texts, calls, emails, etc. I didn't think much of it... but I definitely missed him. It just seemed so weird. Monday morning came and I sent him my traditional "good morning" text. No response. Weird. I went over to his cube after he didn't send me an IM saying good morning. I said hello and something about him being quiet. He looked at me and made some comment about my outfit and haircut, both very nice of course, so I pressed him about not texting me over the weekend. He shrugged. I asked him, "Did you get my texts?". "Yes" he responded, so I knew right away he had ignored me. Intentionally ignored me. I felt my heart and gut sink...really? Is it that easy to put me on the backburner? To forget about me? Am I that big of a burden and a bother? I didn't know what to say. I asked if he was mad at me. Nope. Were we still ok? Yes. So then what gives? Is he ok with miniscule amounts of time throughout the week?

So here I sit on Monday night wondering what is happening to my relationship with Paul AGAIN. I don't get it. I feel like I work my ass off to keep things going, to hold out hope, to keep him happy... but it never seems like enough. Then he'll do something sweet, and I'll forget about everything. Is that what I want from my relationship? I need someone who cares about me and my well being, who constantly thinks about me, who wonders what I'm doing, who checks to make sure I get home safe every night, who spontaneously sends me "I love you" "I miss you" and "You are beautiful" texts, who finds ways to make me smile on the worst days, who can step in and hug me without being asked, who can make me feel like one in a billion, and who can love me unconditionally each and every day. I'm beginning to doubt that Paul can fill each of those for me at this point in time. His dedication to work, his family, his friends, and his various other responsibilities has pushed me so far off his radar, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even see me anymore. I feel invisible to him most days, and when he needs me, it's only to talk about work. I want more than that, but our situation prevents that. I love him very very very much, and would do anything for him. But, I have to be realistic. Is this good for me anymore? Will he eventually commit? Does he still want me? My deadline is August 30, 2012... his birthday. The first time we really spent time together. If he can't commit by then, I have to move on and find a healthier way of living. I don't want to move on without him... My feelings for him have not changed, and I can't imagine a day without him in my life...