For some reason, this song stood out to me today. I guess it's because I can see myself in the lyrics when it comes to several facets of my life, especially the past.
Survivor by Destiny's Child
Now that you are out of my life,
I'm so much better,
You thought that I'd be weak without ya,
But I'm stronger,
You thought that I'd be broke without ya,
But I'm richer,
You thought that I'd be sad without ya,
I laugh harder,
You thought I wouldn't grow without ya,
Now I'm wiser,
You thought that I'd be helpless without ya,
But I'm smarter,
You thought that I'd be stressed without ya,
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without ya,
Sold nine million.
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
Thought I couldn't breathe without you,
I'm inhalin'
You thought I couldn't see without you,
Perfect vision,
You thought I couldn't last without ya,
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without ya,
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without ya,
But I'm on top,
Though it would be over by now,
But it won't stop,
You thought that I would self-destruct,
But I'm still here,
Even in my years to come,
I'm still gon' be here.
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
I'm wishin' you the best,
Pray that you are blessed,
Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet
Cause my momma told me better than that.
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
After all of the darkness and sadness,
Still comes happiness,
If I surround myself with positive things,
I'll gain prosperity.
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what)(Don't stop me now)
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what),
I'm gonna make it (what),
I will survive (what),
Keep on survivin' (what).
Monday, November 7, 2011
Trying Something New
After the escapade with Austin and dissipation of my homesickness, I finally began to adjust to life here in the Midwest again. A new job and a new start. I caught up with old friends, met their spouses and significant others, and tried to acclimate to my old life. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. Awkward. Uncomfortable. I had left the life I knew, in order to try something new. I repeatedly told myself things would get better. I tried everything to keep my mind off of the thought of being alone.
Running.
Reading.
Art.
Writing.
Trips.
Shopping.
Short Road Trips.
Movies.
Museums.
Plays.
Bars.
Clubs.
Casinos.
It all definitely helped to fill the void, but I needed something else. Something to make me enjoy all of those things more.The answer finally presented itself: Online Dating. My parents were NOT thrilled. "Give it time. The right guy will come along." "Stop forcing it to happen. Be patient." Do I sound patient? Well, I'm not. I want things my way, as soon as possible. Years of experience has taught me that I've got a good head on my shoulders, and I make logical, rational decisions. (I'll pat my own back.) I figure that I have to work for things in order for them to happen. If I sit back and wait, nothing will ever come my way... except 40 homeless cats that I will eventually individually name and give full background stories. Pathetic. Every town needs a crazy lady, right? Anyways, (surprise, surprise) I didn't listen to my parents. I went ahead and tried the online dating thing...
My first afternoon on the website, I found a decently attractive guy with a strong background (according to his profile). Two words caught my attention and wouldn't let go: Air Force. I can't reasonably explain the attraction to men in uniform, but it's real and it's hard to ignore. Not a single one has EVER worked out. Coincidence? I think not. Moving on... Scott was a great guy! He was friendly and immediately started emailing and texting me. I was THRILLED! I thought to myself, maybe this online dating thing really works! I explained that I was fairly new in town. He immediately asked me out to dinner, and of course, I said yes! I ended up driving 30 minutes to meet up with him, and I'm pretty sure I looked dumbfounded when I saw him. Nothing like his picture at all. He was thin. Too thin. He was awkward. No eye contact. No compliments. As a matter of fact, he really didn't say much! I started to panic, but reasoned myself through it.
We sat down at a table, and I immediately start asking him about his job, his life, his hobbies, etc. It was nearly as gratifying as questioning a wall. One word answer and no reciprocated questions. Boring. Who was this guy?? This could NOT be the guy I talked to online... or could it? Spends his days hiding behind a screen name, but balks when forced into a social setting. It made complete sense. Dinner finally arrived at the table, and to my horror, I witnessed a catastrophe. Scott grabbed his steak and began tearing it into half dollar size chunks with his knife and fork. I felt like I was watching a caveman documentary on the National Geographic Channel. I couldn't pull myself away. I was completely engrossed in his eating style. Clearly Scott had never eaten a steak, been given proper table manners, eaten with a woman, or used a knife in his life. It was a complete train wreck, but I couldn't stop watching. The rest of our meal was awkward and fairly quiet. He reluctantly paid the bill, and he even had the nerve to make some under-the-breath comment about it. Rude.
On the way out of the restaurant, I politely thanked him for dinner and for asking me out. He smiled and quickly asked, "Do you want to go grab a movie?" I was completely unprepared. I wasn't sure if he meant theater or his place, but the answer was NO. I stuttered and managed to formulate some intelligible statement about visiting my friends. He bought it. I thanked him again and quickly got in my car. I started down the road toward the interstate, when all of a sudden, an overwhelming thought kept presenting itself. "He's following you." I really started to panic. My eyes kept darting towards the rear-view mirror. I bypassed the interstate and headed further into town. Sure enough, he was right behind me. I frantically sped up and pulled into a Lowe's parking lot. I hunkered down in the front seat just in time to see him drive past my car. I grabbed my things and bolted inside the store. The next 45 minutes of my life were dedicated to wandering up and down the aisles looking aimlessly at fixtures, doors, and paint. To my surprise, he sent me a text. "What are u doin in Lowes?" Really? CREEPER. I didn't even respond. I hurried out to the car and hoped that he hadn't stuck around.
Although I still receive an occasional butt dial from him, he has left me alone since that date. Unfortunately for me, that date would only be the first on a long list of bizarre, creepy, and unsuccessful dates. Although a complete failure, the date gave me some insight into the things that are NOT acceptable in a future significant other. I've just got to hope that it doesn't result in picky dating style and 40 cats.
Running.
Reading.
Art.
Writing.
Trips.
Shopping.
Short Road Trips.
Movies.
Museums.
Plays.
Bars.
Clubs.
Casinos.
It all definitely helped to fill the void, but I needed something else. Something to make me enjoy all of those things more.The answer finally presented itself: Online Dating. My parents were NOT thrilled. "Give it time. The right guy will come along." "Stop forcing it to happen. Be patient." Do I sound patient? Well, I'm not. I want things my way, as soon as possible. Years of experience has taught me that I've got a good head on my shoulders, and I make logical, rational decisions. (I'll pat my own back.) I figure that I have to work for things in order for them to happen. If I sit back and wait, nothing will ever come my way... except 40 homeless cats that I will eventually individually name and give full background stories. Pathetic. Every town needs a crazy lady, right? Anyways, (surprise, surprise) I didn't listen to my parents. I went ahead and tried the online dating thing...
My first afternoon on the website, I found a decently attractive guy with a strong background (according to his profile). Two words caught my attention and wouldn't let go: Air Force. I can't reasonably explain the attraction to men in uniform, but it's real and it's hard to ignore. Not a single one has EVER worked out. Coincidence? I think not. Moving on... Scott was a great guy! He was friendly and immediately started emailing and texting me. I was THRILLED! I thought to myself, maybe this online dating thing really works! I explained that I was fairly new in town. He immediately asked me out to dinner, and of course, I said yes! I ended up driving 30 minutes to meet up with him, and I'm pretty sure I looked dumbfounded when I saw him. Nothing like his picture at all. He was thin. Too thin. He was awkward. No eye contact. No compliments. As a matter of fact, he really didn't say much! I started to panic, but reasoned myself through it.
We sat down at a table, and I immediately start asking him about his job, his life, his hobbies, etc. It was nearly as gratifying as questioning a wall. One word answer and no reciprocated questions. Boring. Who was this guy?? This could NOT be the guy I talked to online... or could it? Spends his days hiding behind a screen name, but balks when forced into a social setting. It made complete sense. Dinner finally arrived at the table, and to my horror, I witnessed a catastrophe. Scott grabbed his steak and began tearing it into half dollar size chunks with his knife and fork. I felt like I was watching a caveman documentary on the National Geographic Channel. I couldn't pull myself away. I was completely engrossed in his eating style. Clearly Scott had never eaten a steak, been given proper table manners, eaten with a woman, or used a knife in his life. It was a complete train wreck, but I couldn't stop watching. The rest of our meal was awkward and fairly quiet. He reluctantly paid the bill, and he even had the nerve to make some under-the-breath comment about it. Rude.
On the way out of the restaurant, I politely thanked him for dinner and for asking me out. He smiled and quickly asked, "Do you want to go grab a movie?" I was completely unprepared. I wasn't sure if he meant theater or his place, but the answer was NO. I stuttered and managed to formulate some intelligible statement about visiting my friends. He bought it. I thanked him again and quickly got in my car. I started down the road toward the interstate, when all of a sudden, an overwhelming thought kept presenting itself. "He's following you." I really started to panic. My eyes kept darting towards the rear-view mirror. I bypassed the interstate and headed further into town. Sure enough, he was right behind me. I frantically sped up and pulled into a Lowe's parking lot. I hunkered down in the front seat just in time to see him drive past my car. I grabbed my things and bolted inside the store. The next 45 minutes of my life were dedicated to wandering up and down the aisles looking aimlessly at fixtures, doors, and paint. To my surprise, he sent me a text. "What are u doin in Lowes?" Really? CREEPER. I didn't even respond. I hurried out to the car and hoped that he hadn't stuck around.
Although I still receive an occasional butt dial from him, he has left me alone since that date. Unfortunately for me, that date would only be the first on a long list of bizarre, creepy, and unsuccessful dates. Although a complete failure, the date gave me some insight into the things that are NOT acceptable in a future significant other. I've just got to hope that it doesn't result in picky dating style and 40 cats.
Monday, October 31, 2011
The Simplicity of that Summer
It was perfect. It was everything a girl could hope for. The setting was a summer camp, on the shores of Michigan. Sunny days, star filled nights. Although I'm not completely taken with the idea of small children, I will admit that their honesty and wonder always made me smile. Their temper tantrums and tear soaked faces challenged my level of patience. Through it all, there was always a glimmer of hope and resolve, comfort and compassion.
His name was Austin. He was amazing. Strong athlete, very smart, loving, and genuine. He was a gentleman. He was nearly 3 years my junior, and he knew how to win me over. Constantly attentive to my needs and filling my days with small surprises. From letters and poems, to secretive visits while I worked, and flowers gently placed on my nightstand, he always knew how to make me smile. We spent countless hours together. I made him more mature, and he made me relax and find my childlike nature. Life was too short after all. Summer flew by and we had to part ways. Through tear filled eyes, we said goodbye and swore that we would always talk and find time for one another. We held to our promise as we both returned home... 6 hours apart. It was tough. School and work kept us busy, but we always found time to talk and laugh. We made regular visits to see one another. My family loved him, and his family loved me. Six months into the relationship, I headed overseas. We were further apart than ever before. Austin followed a few months later for an extended vacation. We traveled to many new places, and I opened his eyes to the wonders of the world beyond the borders of the USA. We both returned home and made plans to return to camp. It was another glorious summer, slightly tougher than before because a relationship had flourished into something stronger, something more tangible. Unfortunately, the surprises became infrequent, time together became laced with arguments, and I began to question his genuine nature. Some things just seemed untrue. Regardless, we still found time for each other, we still laughed, and we still loved one another.
Summer came to a close again, but this time things were different. Austin was moving away to college, and he would only be 30 minutes from me. I was elated. I couldn't wait to share in his college experience and to introduce him to my own. We had fun, but our challenging schedules made spending time together incredibly difficult. My senior projects were due, and he was starting basketball. I attended most games. I pushed things aside to make sure he knew I supported him. I traveled all over the state to watch him play. It still wasn't good enough. The fights became more bitter and more frequent. We argued about stupid things. Unimportant things. I felt alone, and he felt smothered. He couldn't understand my extreme devotion to school, and I couldn't get him to focus on school at all. My friends didn't like him anymore, and his friends called me a "bitch" and a "slut". He wanted to smoke pot, and I wouldn't let him. The battle raged on and on.
Spring finally arrived and I graduated with honors from college. I got my first "real" job and had to move away, leaving Austin behind again. He hated it. He hated me for leaving him. I felt guilty. I invited him to spend some of the summer with me. Being in close quarters helped to smooth the surface tension, but the undertow still raged on. He didn't work, nor did he try. The life I had built for myself didn't work for him. He wanted to change the layout and renovate my design. I wouldn't have it. The arguments were ugly and hateful. I quickly became aware of the fact that I didn't trust him, nor did I love him. My stomach dropped, my faith in us vanished, my anxiety peaked, and I felt completely lost. I never told him. He returned to school in the fall, and I continued working and living my life. The trust was gone. I was nervous all of the time. In December, I realized I couldn't handle it anymore, so I left him. His world fell apart. He begged and pleaded for me to take him back. He still loved me. I adamantly refused to let him back into my life unless he cleaned up his own. College had corrupted him. It had changed him into someone I didn't recognize. In February, my emotions got the better of me. My fear of being alone forever overruled my decision to leave someone who treated me with no respect. The tables quickly turned and I was the one begging and pleading for forgiveness. He made me feel awful. To this day, I have no idea why I went back. There is no logical explanation for it.
Eventually he took me back, but it didn't come without more heartache. He admitted to dating another girl. He admitted to being sexually involved with this girl. He said he wasn't sure if he liked that girl or myself more. He wanted to date someone on his campus. He wanted someone his age. He wanted someone who understood his love of sports. He wanted to tell me that he loved me while sleeping with someone else. I choked down those awful thoughts. I begged and pleaded with God to wipe them from my memory banks. I prayed that I would find someone better. Someone who loved me for me. I kept trying to win Austin over. I planned a long weekend getaway - just he and I. It was Valentine's Day weekend. I paid for everything, bought him presents, and had dinner plans. He showed up, didn't say Happy Valentine's Day, didn't bring me anything, and only wanted sex. It was awful. I felt useless, unimportant, unwanted. I suffered through the weekend, and when it was over, I spent a lot of time paging through things in my mind. None of it made sense. I was miserable.
Spring, Summer, and Fall all came and passed. Nothing changed. The fights were awful, and the love was absent. Enough was enough. In November, I took him to see my family one last time, and then sent him home. I called him and told him it was over. I was done. He didn't seem too surprised. He wanted to work things out. He wanted to try harder. He admitted to being a shitty boyfriend. I wasn't buying any of it this time. I was over it. In February, I moved back to where he lived. We were 45 minutes apart, and he was thrilled! I was not. I agreed to spend time with him. I agree to hang out with him. Bad decisions. I quickly got sucked back into the craziness of his life. One evening, he promised to call and talk to me, but the call never came. Complete silence for 2 days after that as well. Finally the silence was broken, a simple text apologizing for his absence and offering an explanation if and when we could talk. I wanted to hear his excuse. It had to be good!
I soon received the most devastating news from him. He informed me that he had been arrested on drug chargers. Use of marijuana, distribution of marijuana, and marijuana paraphernalia were all thrown against him. He spent time in jail, hence the missed call and the silence. I was shocked, absolutely shocked. I was mad, but concerned. Thoroughly disappointed as well. He admitted to using marijuana for most of our relationship. He admitted that he knew I didn't approve, so he kept it very secretive. He made every effort to avoid having me find out. I was mortified. Dishonesty. Disrespect. I broke down. We didn't speak for days. A few weeks later, he received notice that the school would put him before a panel to determine his punishment. He called me in a tear soaked panic. I kept apologizing. He told me that he wanted to stop lying to me. That he loved me and that I deserved the truth. Then came the bombshell...
In a matter of seconds, he destroyed everything that was left between us. He had cheated on me. A couple times. More specifically when I was at school, and he was 30 minutes down the road. He made sure to cheat when I was asleep. That way I wouldn't interrupt. The shock froze me in my tracks. I didn't cry. I didn't yell. I just froze. I remember listening to him cry and apologize. I wasn't listening anymore. No one deserves that, especially not me. I am better than that, stronger than that. I hung up on him, and he called dozens of times begging for my attention. I never gave in.
It's been nearly a year. Although the phone calls have stopped, his desperate ass continues to text me. I automatically delete them and don't give them a second thought. I'm over him completely. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. I've been asked if I would ever go back to him. The answer is a resounding NO. That chapter of my life is complete and finished. It's time to move onto bigger and better things. It's time to open up to someone who WANTS me, who RESPECTS me, and who UNCONDITIONALLY LOVES me. So here I sit, a little worse for wear and slightly broken. My rough exterior keeps me safe, but my heart and mind are yearning for someone who can sweep me off my feet and remind me of what it feels like to be in love again. I'm fixable. I'm mendable. I have plenty of bumps and bruises, but the beauty of it is that time heals all things. I refuse to place any of this on any future man in my life. I won't behave that way. This has made me stronger. I will overcome this and I will fall in love again. I will not let life pass me by. I'm ready to feel the Simplicity of that first Summer all over again... every day from here unto eternity.
His name was Austin. He was amazing. Strong athlete, very smart, loving, and genuine. He was a gentleman. He was nearly 3 years my junior, and he knew how to win me over. Constantly attentive to my needs and filling my days with small surprises. From letters and poems, to secretive visits while I worked, and flowers gently placed on my nightstand, he always knew how to make me smile. We spent countless hours together. I made him more mature, and he made me relax and find my childlike nature. Life was too short after all. Summer flew by and we had to part ways. Through tear filled eyes, we said goodbye and swore that we would always talk and find time for one another. We held to our promise as we both returned home... 6 hours apart. It was tough. School and work kept us busy, but we always found time to talk and laugh. We made regular visits to see one another. My family loved him, and his family loved me. Six months into the relationship, I headed overseas. We were further apart than ever before. Austin followed a few months later for an extended vacation. We traveled to many new places, and I opened his eyes to the wonders of the world beyond the borders of the USA. We both returned home and made plans to return to camp. It was another glorious summer, slightly tougher than before because a relationship had flourished into something stronger, something more tangible. Unfortunately, the surprises became infrequent, time together became laced with arguments, and I began to question his genuine nature. Some things just seemed untrue. Regardless, we still found time for each other, we still laughed, and we still loved one another.
Summer came to a close again, but this time things were different. Austin was moving away to college, and he would only be 30 minutes from me. I was elated. I couldn't wait to share in his college experience and to introduce him to my own. We had fun, but our challenging schedules made spending time together incredibly difficult. My senior projects were due, and he was starting basketball. I attended most games. I pushed things aside to make sure he knew I supported him. I traveled all over the state to watch him play. It still wasn't good enough. The fights became more bitter and more frequent. We argued about stupid things. Unimportant things. I felt alone, and he felt smothered. He couldn't understand my extreme devotion to school, and I couldn't get him to focus on school at all. My friends didn't like him anymore, and his friends called me a "bitch" and a "slut". He wanted to smoke pot, and I wouldn't let him. The battle raged on and on.
Spring finally arrived and I graduated with honors from college. I got my first "real" job and had to move away, leaving Austin behind again. He hated it. He hated me for leaving him. I felt guilty. I invited him to spend some of the summer with me. Being in close quarters helped to smooth the surface tension, but the undertow still raged on. He didn't work, nor did he try. The life I had built for myself didn't work for him. He wanted to change the layout and renovate my design. I wouldn't have it. The arguments were ugly and hateful. I quickly became aware of the fact that I didn't trust him, nor did I love him. My stomach dropped, my faith in us vanished, my anxiety peaked, and I felt completely lost. I never told him. He returned to school in the fall, and I continued working and living my life. The trust was gone. I was nervous all of the time. In December, I realized I couldn't handle it anymore, so I left him. His world fell apart. He begged and pleaded for me to take him back. He still loved me. I adamantly refused to let him back into my life unless he cleaned up his own. College had corrupted him. It had changed him into someone I didn't recognize. In February, my emotions got the better of me. My fear of being alone forever overruled my decision to leave someone who treated me with no respect. The tables quickly turned and I was the one begging and pleading for forgiveness. He made me feel awful. To this day, I have no idea why I went back. There is no logical explanation for it.
Eventually he took me back, but it didn't come without more heartache. He admitted to dating another girl. He admitted to being sexually involved with this girl. He said he wasn't sure if he liked that girl or myself more. He wanted to date someone on his campus. He wanted someone his age. He wanted someone who understood his love of sports. He wanted to tell me that he loved me while sleeping with someone else. I choked down those awful thoughts. I begged and pleaded with God to wipe them from my memory banks. I prayed that I would find someone better. Someone who loved me for me. I kept trying to win Austin over. I planned a long weekend getaway - just he and I. It was Valentine's Day weekend. I paid for everything, bought him presents, and had dinner plans. He showed up, didn't say Happy Valentine's Day, didn't bring me anything, and only wanted sex. It was awful. I felt useless, unimportant, unwanted. I suffered through the weekend, and when it was over, I spent a lot of time paging through things in my mind. None of it made sense. I was miserable.
Spring, Summer, and Fall all came and passed. Nothing changed. The fights were awful, and the love was absent. Enough was enough. In November, I took him to see my family one last time, and then sent him home. I called him and told him it was over. I was done. He didn't seem too surprised. He wanted to work things out. He wanted to try harder. He admitted to being a shitty boyfriend. I wasn't buying any of it this time. I was over it. In February, I moved back to where he lived. We were 45 minutes apart, and he was thrilled! I was not. I agreed to spend time with him. I agree to hang out with him. Bad decisions. I quickly got sucked back into the craziness of his life. One evening, he promised to call and talk to me, but the call never came. Complete silence for 2 days after that as well. Finally the silence was broken, a simple text apologizing for his absence and offering an explanation if and when we could talk. I wanted to hear his excuse. It had to be good!
I soon received the most devastating news from him. He informed me that he had been arrested on drug chargers. Use of marijuana, distribution of marijuana, and marijuana paraphernalia were all thrown against him. He spent time in jail, hence the missed call and the silence. I was shocked, absolutely shocked. I was mad, but concerned. Thoroughly disappointed as well. He admitted to using marijuana for most of our relationship. He admitted that he knew I didn't approve, so he kept it very secretive. He made every effort to avoid having me find out. I was mortified. Dishonesty. Disrespect. I broke down. We didn't speak for days. A few weeks later, he received notice that the school would put him before a panel to determine his punishment. He called me in a tear soaked panic. I kept apologizing. He told me that he wanted to stop lying to me. That he loved me and that I deserved the truth. Then came the bombshell...
In a matter of seconds, he destroyed everything that was left between us. He had cheated on me. A couple times. More specifically when I was at school, and he was 30 minutes down the road. He made sure to cheat when I was asleep. That way I wouldn't interrupt. The shock froze me in my tracks. I didn't cry. I didn't yell. I just froze. I remember listening to him cry and apologize. I wasn't listening anymore. No one deserves that, especially not me. I am better than that, stronger than that. I hung up on him, and he called dozens of times begging for my attention. I never gave in.
It's been nearly a year. Although the phone calls have stopped, his desperate ass continues to text me. I automatically delete them and don't give them a second thought. I'm over him completely. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. I've been asked if I would ever go back to him. The answer is a resounding NO. That chapter of my life is complete and finished. It's time to move onto bigger and better things. It's time to open up to someone who WANTS me, who RESPECTS me, and who UNCONDITIONALLY LOVES me. So here I sit, a little worse for wear and slightly broken. My rough exterior keeps me safe, but my heart and mind are yearning for someone who can sweep me off my feet and remind me of what it feels like to be in love again. I'm fixable. I'm mendable. I have plenty of bumps and bruises, but the beauty of it is that time heals all things. I refuse to place any of this on any future man in my life. I won't behave that way. This has made me stronger. I will overcome this and I will fall in love again. I will not let life pass me by. I'm ready to feel the Simplicity of that first Summer all over again... every day from here unto eternity.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
This ONE is for you...
Dig - Incubus
We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone.
We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone.
...and this ONE is for me.
Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses - U2
You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach
Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?
Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back!
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach
Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?
Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back!
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Nudity & A Hot Mess
There was truly no shortage of bizarre and awkward experiences while I worked in the warehouse. 99% of which seemed to center around truckers. Sometimes I would go weeks without a trucker related incident, but one event would tip the scales and get the ball rolling. Let me tell you, when it rains, it pours. I'd have multiple issues in one night! Although they are a source of comedy now, in the moment, it took all I had to avoid losing my mind on certain individuals.
A HOT MESS
On one incredibly busy evening, a trucker entered the warehouse with a trailer full of ice cream. He indicated that he wanted to avoid paying us and unload the trailer himself. This is pretty standard, so I indicated that would be fine and gave him the appropriate instructions to enter the building, have a receiver lock his trailer in place, and unload his product. Simple. Straightforward. EASY. A few hours passed and no one had seen the driver or the product he was carrying. We didn't have a phone number on record, so I wandered outside in the snow to track him down. I brought along my clerk for protection... more like I would have had to protect the two of us. I knocked on the driver's door and got no response. I quickly knocked again and gave my clerk "a look". Silence when knocking on a driver's door is never good... although most of the time they are sleeping, there is the potential for a dead driver. Creepy. I knocked on the door one last time. I began to quickly run through procedures for contacting the police about a dead driver when the window on the door rolled down and a younger man stuck his head out. "Can I help you?" he said. "Yes you can. You were supposed to unload your product hours ago. What happened?" I replied. He gave me an ugly look and snapped "No one here told me to come in and unload myself! Besides, the dock lock light isn't red yet!" I looked up at him and could tell that his blood was beginning to boil. I don't like to antagonize, but I sure as hell won't back down from a trucker, especially one who thinks he can talk down to me. "I gave you clear instructions. If you were confused, you should have asked for clarification. Since you didn't, and then decided to nap for hours in your cab, you can close up your trailer and remove yourself from the property." His blood was definitely boiling now. In a bold, rage-filled voice he screamed, "Listen here lady! You will unload my product right now! I don't have time for this! I have other stops that are more important than YOURS!" Lady? Really? Classic. I looked up at him, eyes blazing, and said, "You WILL close up your trailer and come inside to get your paperwork. This conversation is over and I'm not compromising. Our shift is over, so reschedule your appointment." To this day, I'm not really sure if I got all of that out because in a flash, his cab door came flying open, grazing my chest and face. My clerk froze in horror as the grown man came leaping out of his truck.Within seconds he was inches from my face screaming obscenities and making derogatory comments about my gender. The next event, to this day, still floors me. As he got closer to me, I closed my eyes and started yelling back. I felt the gap suddenly widen between us, and I quickly opened my eyes. To my amazement there stood half a dozen other truckers between the crazed trucker and myself. Two of them grabbed him and pushed him back to his cab. Two others walked my clerk and I back inside the building behind locked doors. I was shocked. They had been watching the scene unfold and knew that it was a matter of seconds before the driver lost his damn mind. They quickly banded together and marched across the parking lot in time to stop the driver before he did anything stupid. I was absolutely blown away by their heroic act. Clearly there is still A LOT of good in this world.
NUDITY
On a cold December night, I was unloading trailers, including a transfer truck from another one of our facilities. Although they are a pain in the butt, they help to make the evening go by more quickly. A transfer truck backed in the door, and I quickly set myself up to get to work. I slid open the dock door and immediately saw that his trailer was WAY too low in our doorway. Simple fix - slide back the tandems and inflate the air bags. Easy. I headed to the office and called the driver. No answer. Wait 10 minutes and call again. No answer.Wait 5 minutes and call again. No answer. I looked to the manager of a 3rd party business in our building for help. Basically, I wanted him to go wake up the trucker for me. He responded with a laugh and a "Hell no." Useless as always. I put on a jacket and gloves, gave my clerk the traditional "If I'm not back in 10 minutes, come and find me..." statement, and headed outdoors. I went straight to his truck and knocked on the door. No answer. Great... another potentially dead trucker. I stood there watching my breath hang in the freezing night air. I knocked again and heard movement. Perfect! WRONG. To my utter shock, a man whips open the door on the cab to reveal himself completely nude. I froze. I didn't even know what to say. He smiled and said, "What can I help you with? Nice night out isn't it." It's hard to take someone seriously when their undersized penis is staring you in the face. At this point, I'm sure my face was pale and white, and I was somewhere between shock and hysterics. He kept smiling and winking at me until I could muster, "Your trailer is too far down. I need you to inflate your air bags or move your tandems back." The statement pulled me from my shocked mental state. I think my straightforward answer wasn't what he was looking for. He simply said "Oh. Sorry." and closed his cab door. I turned and walked away, but my mind was racing. 30-40 year old male. Transparently white. Small package. Anorexically thin. Really? Not interested. Get a tan or at least hang out in the sun for a bit. Eat some home-cooked meals. And for the love of pete, don't show your junk to the supervisor on duty. Needless to say, a sexual harassment case was created, and I'm pretty sure that the driver is putting his naked body to good use somewhere else nowadays.
"Man's happiness is not, therefore, at the disposal of physical sense. Truth is not contaminated by error. Harmony in man is as beautiful as in music, and discord is unnatural, unreal." -S&H p.304:18-21
A HOT MESS
On one incredibly busy evening, a trucker entered the warehouse with a trailer full of ice cream. He indicated that he wanted to avoid paying us and unload the trailer himself. This is pretty standard, so I indicated that would be fine and gave him the appropriate instructions to enter the building, have a receiver lock his trailer in place, and unload his product. Simple. Straightforward. EASY. A few hours passed and no one had seen the driver or the product he was carrying. We didn't have a phone number on record, so I wandered outside in the snow to track him down. I brought along my clerk for protection... more like I would have had to protect the two of us. I knocked on the driver's door and got no response. I quickly knocked again and gave my clerk "a look". Silence when knocking on a driver's door is never good... although most of the time they are sleeping, there is the potential for a dead driver. Creepy. I knocked on the door one last time. I began to quickly run through procedures for contacting the police about a dead driver when the window on the door rolled down and a younger man stuck his head out. "Can I help you?" he said. "Yes you can. You were supposed to unload your product hours ago. What happened?" I replied. He gave me an ugly look and snapped "No one here told me to come in and unload myself! Besides, the dock lock light isn't red yet!" I looked up at him and could tell that his blood was beginning to boil. I don't like to antagonize, but I sure as hell won't back down from a trucker, especially one who thinks he can talk down to me. "I gave you clear instructions. If you were confused, you should have asked for clarification. Since you didn't, and then decided to nap for hours in your cab, you can close up your trailer and remove yourself from the property." His blood was definitely boiling now. In a bold, rage-filled voice he screamed, "Listen here lady! You will unload my product right now! I don't have time for this! I have other stops that are more important than YOURS!" Lady? Really? Classic. I looked up at him, eyes blazing, and said, "You WILL close up your trailer and come inside to get your paperwork. This conversation is over and I'm not compromising. Our shift is over, so reschedule your appointment." To this day, I'm not really sure if I got all of that out because in a flash, his cab door came flying open, grazing my chest and face. My clerk froze in horror as the grown man came leaping out of his truck.Within seconds he was inches from my face screaming obscenities and making derogatory comments about my gender. The next event, to this day, still floors me. As he got closer to me, I closed my eyes and started yelling back. I felt the gap suddenly widen between us, and I quickly opened my eyes. To my amazement there stood half a dozen other truckers between the crazed trucker and myself. Two of them grabbed him and pushed him back to his cab. Two others walked my clerk and I back inside the building behind locked doors. I was shocked. They had been watching the scene unfold and knew that it was a matter of seconds before the driver lost his damn mind. They quickly banded together and marched across the parking lot in time to stop the driver before he did anything stupid. I was absolutely blown away by their heroic act. Clearly there is still A LOT of good in this world.
NUDITY
On a cold December night, I was unloading trailers, including a transfer truck from another one of our facilities. Although they are a pain in the butt, they help to make the evening go by more quickly. A transfer truck backed in the door, and I quickly set myself up to get to work. I slid open the dock door and immediately saw that his trailer was WAY too low in our doorway. Simple fix - slide back the tandems and inflate the air bags. Easy. I headed to the office and called the driver. No answer. Wait 10 minutes and call again. No answer.Wait 5 minutes and call again. No answer. I looked to the manager of a 3rd party business in our building for help. Basically, I wanted him to go wake up the trucker for me. He responded with a laugh and a "Hell no." Useless as always. I put on a jacket and gloves, gave my clerk the traditional "If I'm not back in 10 minutes, come and find me..." statement, and headed outdoors. I went straight to his truck and knocked on the door. No answer. Great... another potentially dead trucker. I stood there watching my breath hang in the freezing night air. I knocked again and heard movement. Perfect! WRONG. To my utter shock, a man whips open the door on the cab to reveal himself completely nude. I froze. I didn't even know what to say. He smiled and said, "What can I help you with? Nice night out isn't it." It's hard to take someone seriously when their undersized penis is staring you in the face. At this point, I'm sure my face was pale and white, and I was somewhere between shock and hysterics. He kept smiling and winking at me until I could muster, "Your trailer is too far down. I need you to inflate your air bags or move your tandems back." The statement pulled me from my shocked mental state. I think my straightforward answer wasn't what he was looking for. He simply said "Oh. Sorry." and closed his cab door. I turned and walked away, but my mind was racing. 30-40 year old male. Transparently white. Small package. Anorexically thin. Really? Not interested. Get a tan or at least hang out in the sun for a bit. Eat some home-cooked meals. And for the love of pete, don't show your junk to the supervisor on duty. Needless to say, a sexual harassment case was created, and I'm pretty sure that the driver is putting his naked body to good use somewhere else nowadays.
"Man's happiness is not, therefore, at the disposal of physical sense. Truth is not contaminated by error. Harmony in man is as beautiful as in music, and discord is unnatural, unreal." -S&H p.304:18-21
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Eye of the Beholder... Right?
Since working in a warehouse, I've always wondered what the standards are for truckers. More specifically, as a trucker, what is considered "off limits" when deciding on a female/male to pursue? Or can you just use the "bag it" theory regardless? Better yet, do standards and stipulations even exist? Don't get me wrong, love and beauty come in all shapes and sizes. We were all created differently for a reason, BUT do one night stands in cabs constitute something outside the realm of beauty and love? I guess it is the eternal question. I've had my fair share of offers and propositions, so I wanted to share the best ones with the world.
RUSSIAN VODKA
For those of you who don't know, lots and lots of truckers are former residents of Russia, Ukraine, Slovakia, etc. and came to the U.S. in search of a job. Although their English is a little rough, they sure know how to hit on females! One evening while I was working, a Russian driver (who surprisingly was very friendly) kept asking us to help him with unloading his truck, finding the bathroom, using the vending machines, etc. The list never ended... he was a very needy driver. Lucky for me, as the only supervisor on duty, I was tasked with the responsibility of monitoring his crazy ass as he wandered aimlessly in search of... something. I was constantly redirecting his attention and herding him to various locations. Once his truck was unloaded, I quickly ushered him to our office to close out his paperwork. The bumbling Russian signed off on everything and immediately began to flirt with me. Really? No bath. No teeth. No clean clothes. Not interested. The flirtation was initially harmless. Older, creepy man with a heavy Russian accent dropping innuendos and comments like he was a late night talk show host. Funny, but not enough to keep my attention. As time progressed and my interest and tolerance waned, Russian became desperate. Enough was enough, I unlocked the office door and told the Russian to remove himself from our building. In a last ditch attempt, the Russian blurts out, "I'll give you 12 beers if you will come share them with me in my truck. You can spend the night with me. I'll be at Wal-Mart in the parking lot." Holy eff. Really? That is an offer I can't stand to pass up! In that moment, I realized that this is what it feels like to be a "lot lizard". I also realized that his offer was probably an offer that any "lot lizard" dreams about. Hell, if I spent my life roaming the U.S., hopping from cab to cab, a bed and 12 beers at Wal-Mart sounds like a vacation! I felt bad, but I couldn't help but start to giggle. As I turned him down and he walked out the door, I got several laughs from my receiving crew. A classic moment that had quickly become all too familiar for them since my start on the shift. In the very early hours of that morning, I packed up my stuff and headed home. As I passed the Wal-Mart parking lot full of semi trucks, I couldn't help but think... I wonder if he's waiting on me...
"What is termed material sense can report only a mortal temporary sense of things, whereas spiritual sense can bear witness only to Truth." -S&H p.298:8-10
RUSSIAN VODKA
For those of you who don't know, lots and lots of truckers are former residents of Russia, Ukraine, Slovakia, etc. and came to the U.S. in search of a job. Although their English is a little rough, they sure know how to hit on females! One evening while I was working, a Russian driver (who surprisingly was very friendly) kept asking us to help him with unloading his truck, finding the bathroom, using the vending machines, etc. The list never ended... he was a very needy driver. Lucky for me, as the only supervisor on duty, I was tasked with the responsibility of monitoring his crazy ass as he wandered aimlessly in search of... something. I was constantly redirecting his attention and herding him to various locations. Once his truck was unloaded, I quickly ushered him to our office to close out his paperwork. The bumbling Russian signed off on everything and immediately began to flirt with me. Really? No bath. No teeth. No clean clothes. Not interested. The flirtation was initially harmless. Older, creepy man with a heavy Russian accent dropping innuendos and comments like he was a late night talk show host. Funny, but not enough to keep my attention. As time progressed and my interest and tolerance waned, Russian became desperate. Enough was enough, I unlocked the office door and told the Russian to remove himself from our building. In a last ditch attempt, the Russian blurts out, "I'll give you 12 beers if you will come share them with me in my truck. You can spend the night with me. I'll be at Wal-Mart in the parking lot." Holy eff. Really? That is an offer I can't stand to pass up! In that moment, I realized that this is what it feels like to be a "lot lizard". I also realized that his offer was probably an offer that any "lot lizard" dreams about. Hell, if I spent my life roaming the U.S., hopping from cab to cab, a bed and 12 beers at Wal-Mart sounds like a vacation! I felt bad, but I couldn't help but start to giggle. As I turned him down and he walked out the door, I got several laughs from my receiving crew. A classic moment that had quickly become all too familiar for them since my start on the shift. In the very early hours of that morning, I packed up my stuff and headed home. As I passed the Wal-Mart parking lot full of semi trucks, I couldn't help but think... I wonder if he's waiting on me...
"What is termed material sense can report only a mortal temporary sense of things, whereas spiritual sense can bear witness only to Truth." -S&H p.298:8-10
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